Rechavia Berman – GangstaYid

Yoram dude wazzup? How was your Sabbath babe? ‘dya see the Euro final or were you busy at work? Reasoמ I ask is I know you got this terribly important and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious new detainee that’s probly keeping you in the office long hours right about now.

You know who I’m talking about. Iyad Jamil al-Jawahari? The Druze doctor from Majdal Shams in the occupied (according to the entire world except Israel) Golan Heights? The one you arrested when he came back with a bunch of Druze students you allowed to study in Syria? The one you told everyone they can’t say a goddamn word about?

Yeah, that one. Yeah I’m talking about him, so listen up: I really don’t know at this point if he’s a full Israeli citizen with a blue ID card, or if he’s perhaps one of the many in the Golan who say “No thanks. We are Syrian nationals under your disputed but accepted de-facto rule. Thanks anyway for the offer.” I also don’t care. The man is not only a human and therefore deserving of certain rights (I know that don’t impress you much). He is also a legal native resident of an area the Empire itself claims as fully annexed and therefore under the full rule of civilian law.

Under this rule of law we have these things called prisoner rights, and they apply from the instant of custody. I don’t care what you say he’s done. He could have undergone super-secret training in contumaciously covert Hizballah camps deep in the inaccessible places of the Syrian desert. (And considering the batting average of the Shin Bet in cases like this, odds are not cood. Statistically, it’s far more likely that he’ll be charged with far lesser violations than whatever it is they’re telling the judge and scaring him with right now).

Where were we? Oh yeah, Yoram my main man: You will report the arrest – not just to his family who were surprised when he didn’t come through the border passing with the other students and were told he was arrested and nothing further –  To all of us. Official like. And let us know he’s seen an attorney and has been told at least in general what he’s suspected of and what (in general) kind of proof there is.

Now you’ll notice I’m not saying release the guy immediately. I respect the fact that your job gives you a certain discretion to investigate, apprehend, interrogate and charge people. And I understand that your ferociously friendly court has already given you an extension of custody, and that’s all… if not fine, at least proper. As the poet put it, the ceremony of innocence has not been drowned.

But if you think for a second that we’re gonna let you keep a man – an equal subject of the Israeli Empire, as it were, by its own insistence – in total darkness and not talk about it or mention his name, you are sorely in error, buddy. We are going to be talking about Iyad Jamil al-Jawahari for at least until his full, fair and speedy judicial process is over. Maybe even longer. Depends mostly on you, actually.

Now I hope you notice, bruh, that I’m being respectful to you. Ask my readers and they will assure you that this is not a given. I am sad to say that your predecessor (distant kin of mine, but keep it between us) managed to lose whatever respect his and your disagreeable but necessary position conferred upon him.

But you’re not him, so I’m starting all fresh with you. Announce you’re holding the man and on what general charge and that he’s seen counsel. Today. You’ve already had him for quite a bit longer than the law allows, so don’t be whining that you can’t get no work done like this. If that be the case, we’ll get someone who can.

But it ain’t gonna be like that, is it dawg? We gonna be cool you and me, right? Mos’ def. You go take care of that thing and maybe we’ll hook up after, watch some Olympics and shit. Later homesץ

(This was referred to me by the indefatiguable Richard Silverstein, who unlike Iyad al-Jawahari is not a subject of the Holy Jehovah Empire, and therefore not really motivated by what my man Yoram does or does not allow folks to talk about.)