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The Israeli people (notice the adjective) are currently in a war on two fronts: Against Hamas, obviously, but also against our own government, which is MIA at best, mostly obstructing the urgent needs of a population and economy at war, and at times downright hostile:
Since the war broke out on Oct 7 our government, already humiliated by being caught with its pants down like that, has been shockingly conspicuous in its absence, abandoning its basic responsibility to ensure basic necessities not only to the populace, but even the troops,
troops amassed on the southern border since the week of Oct. 8 have been getting hot meals, socks and undies from Brothers and Sisters in Arms, whom you might remember as recently being called traitors by the PM’s poison machine, for their prominence in the protests against Netanyahu’s regime coup legislation (remember when that was the “Israel in unprecedented turmoil” news? Fun times).
Anyway, not only have Netanyahu and his toxic troupe of incompetents abandoned their basic responsibilities, they are also actively impeding and sabotaging the efforts of private, ad-hoc organizations to fill the void.
Examples are numerous, from the education minister ordering that licensed suppliers of education system content, who opened all their content free of charge for the benefit of students all around the country who can’t go to school – the ministry ordered these suppliers to put the paywall back up, even though many parents and educators were screaming that this was their only lifeline.
There are many other such examples, and meanwhile Welfare Ministry personnel are turning to Brothers and Sisters in Arms – remember them? The lefty traitors? – to obtain necessities for the thousands of displaced residents of the south, which Netanyahu’s government can’t seem to come up with.
All this, my dear and patient reader, was but a prelude for the sabotage outrage du jour.
The excellent Amir Tibon (the next Barak Ravid, to those of you who follow such things, and the son of the retired general whose heroics on Black Shabbat you may have heard of) reports in detail on Haaretz.com how the Netanyahu government apparently doesn’t give a good goddamn about freeing the 200 or so hostages held in the Gaza Strip.
How can we say this? Because when you’re appointed in charge of the hostages and missing persons issue by the Prime Minister, and you convene a meeting with the ambassadors of European countries, the expectation, however naive this may sound, is that you dedicate the meeting to finding out how various countries, with their various contacts with the enemy, can help as intermediaries in negotiations for the safe return of said hostages. But that’s not ret. Brig. Gen Gal Hirsch’s way. Nah.
This dumbfuck, who was the commander under whom Ehud Goldwasser and Eldad Regev were abducted, triggering the 2006 Lebanon War, convened the European ambassadors – all looking to help with bringing children, elderly, women, and their own nationals home – only to yell at them for their countries’ support for the Oslo Accords (back when they were all in college or thereabouts) and to tell them that their mission, once he finishes talking, is to “immediately call your leaders and tell them that they have to decide what side they’re on.”
The meaning of this conduct couldn’t be clearer: The PM and his circle and his government don’t give a flying fuck about the abductees. They would prefer that Hamas execute them all on live TV right now – much more fuel for the hate machine, and no more impediment to mass slaughter.
The government that deliberately weakened the defense of the south at the expense of the hills of Samaria is announcing it has no intention of mitigating the horrible damage its negligence and debunked conceptions have caused.
Simple conclusion:
The government of Israel’s Jews is acting as an enemy of, and is a clear and present danger to, all the people of the State of Israel. Every day Netanyahu and his cabal of malicious incompetence stay in power causes more damage that will take decades to repair.
Israel’s Brewing Eastern Front
Posted on: October 20, 2023
It’s taken me some time to be able to respond to the worst disaster in Israel’s history, and the worst massacre of Jews in one day since the Holocaust – but then again, the same can be said of my government. Following are some points about what has happened here since Saturday, Oct. 7th 2023, that you might not read elsewhere:
- Many people are saying that this is Israel’s Pearl Harbor moment. I guess, sorta – if Pearl Harbor had happened not because “at dawn we slept” but because “several days before the attack we sent the naval base’s entire defensive force to the mainland, to protect the Klan as it burned crosses on Black lawns.” Because that is pretty much what happened.
Israel’s extremist, messianic, virulently racist settlers have been inflaming the West Bank for months now, hoping to cause a major conflagration that would enable a massive ethnic cleansing, or worse. So the IDF, (lulled into false confidence about a ‘deterred’ Hamas,) decided that the protective forces of the Gaza Perimeter area were more necessary on the hills of Samaria, protecting settler provocateurs as they invade Palestinian villages, and roaming other hills to hunt for Palestinians who may wish to avenge these incursions into what little territory they can still call their own.
So if you’re wondering how mighty, advanced, hi-tech Israel was caught with its pants down – that’s how. There were almost no combat-ready troops within many miles. The few that were there were, were overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of the enemy. - This was by no means the end of the failures on the Israeli side. Once the situation in the south became clear, reserve and standing army troops on leave at home began mobilizing toward the area. However, the IDF failed deplorably to organize rapidly and provide transport, with most troops reaching the staging points near the border on their own, or with ad-hoc rides organized by the “traitors” from Brothers and Sisters in Arms, one of the leading groups in the protest against the regime coup legislation Bibi has been leading since his reelection last year. Then the troops waited for literal hours at the staging points, before finally being unleashed on the enemy and beginning the reclaiming of Israel’s sovereign and internationally recognized borders.
- Troops and local security details are still woefully undersupplied in everything from food to ceramic flack vests. All manner of famous people, from business magnates to a known organized crime boss, have stepped in to fill the void left by a government fundamentally hostile to public service. While security details of small locales along the northern border are screaming for weapons, in case Hezbollah gets similar ideas, 1,000 long-bore rifles were distributed to the residents of the WB settlements. The government’s priorities couldn’t be clearer.
- These weapons, it must be noted, are not used solely for defensive purposes. Since the outbreak of the war on Saturday, the “hilltop youth” as they have been euphemistically called here – the lawless militias of the settler movement, aided through sufferance by the IDF – have amassed the following (and quite possibly incomplete) tally:
On Monday they set fire to groves and homes in the village of Einabus, in the Nablus district.
On Wednesday they invaded the village of Qusra, armed and masked and riding ATVs, and murdered 4 people (3 died at the scene, one later at the hospital.)
On Thursday they ambushed the funeral convoy of their victims from the day before, and murdered a father and his son.
No suspects have been apprehended. Chances are none will. If any are, chances are no charges will ultimately be filed. If any are, proceedings will somehow break down. If not, leniency and reasonable doubt will abound come verdict and sentencing time. In the occupied territories, that’s just the way things go. And if you’re bla— I mean, Palestinian – you might as well not show up… well, anywhere the “hilltop youth” feel like rampaging, really.
Oh, also on Wednesday, the football hooligans of the Judo-nazi movement, the Beitar Jerusalem FC “ultras” known as La Familia, showed up in their hundreds at Sheba Hospital in Tel HaShomer – only the IDF’s #1 medical facility – due to a rumor that injured captured terrorists were being treated there.
In their morality, just like Hamas’s, vengeance matters far more than life. Who cares that we have over a hundred captives in the hands of the enemy, and need every live captive we can save as bargaining chips? The blood lust must be sated, or national honor will never recover.
And on Thursday, the far-right settler patriots scored a veritable intelligence coup for the cause:
They had infiltrated the telegram group for the hated village of Hawara, where they have pogromed before, and discovered that a local pizzeria had used the image of an elderly Israeli held captive by Hamas as a repugnant promotion image. So the settlers flexed their political muscles, got the Prime Minister’s Office itself involved – let that sink in – and within 3 hours bulldozers were dispatched, and the provocative pizza parlor became a pile of rubble. Priorities, you see.
So while Israel’s south weeps and bleeds from well over a thousand cuts, while the north cowers and holds its breath, waiting to see if the other robed religious madman (and his Iranian handlers) intend to join the fray, and while even the rich and comfy center has suffered fatal casualties from the rocket fire attendant to this war – the settlers are determined to set the east of the country on fire too, all under protection of the IDF and with the explicit encouragement of their representatives in Israel’s “fully-fully right-wing” government.
The shooting fades, Likud and Labor hold their primaries, and the dilly-dallying general finally makes up his mind – all in installment #6 of the Israelex Blog
Welcome back, ladies and gents, to the GangstaYid Guide to #Israelex5, coming to you live, not from the archive, straight from the Neighborhood of Hope in southeastern Tel Aviv. This week we’re back to the horse race in full effect, all those slaughtered in the recent round of shootin’ folks having been buried and conveniently forgotten.
Likud and Labor both held their primaries. The internal election for Labor’s top spot was actually held back on July 18th, with incumbent and Transportation Minister Merav Michaeli crushing challenger, and party secretary-general Eran Hermoni, 83%-17%. (Likud didn’t hold primaries for the leadership, cause nobody dared run against the Duce.) In the Labor primaries for the list of candidates for Knesset, the socialist wing of what used to be “The Laborers Party of the Land of Israel” (aka “Mapai”) won big. Na’ama Lazimi, who isn’t afraid to call herself socialist and stand up for workers, consumers, and all manner of ordinary folk, won first place in the primaries (second overall in the list, behind Michaeli.) Labor’s bylaws dictate alternate-gender seeding, so next is MK Gilead Kariv, a reform Jew. While this last bit may seem unremarkable to diaspora Jews, in Israel non-Orthodox Judaism is miniscule in size, and his very existence in Knesset is a red cloth to the Orthodox parties.
Then comes Efrat Rayten, a former actress and kiddie TV host turned lawyer and a fine, diligent legislator. Then come Ram Shefa (Kibbutznik, very mainstream, but also a hard-working legislator who is pro-legalization, so that’s good,) and Emily Moatti, a former publicist and digital media professional who formerly served in an advisory capacity much further to the left, in the Arab party Balad. For those of you counting at home, that’s two Mizrachi women in the top 6, and 4 overall. This also means that failed Public Security Minister Omer Bar-Lev and former (30+ years ago) IDF spokesman and current Diaspora Minister Nachman Shai1 are out of any realistic hope of a Knesset Seat. Bar-Lev finished 9th and Shai 16th. Bar-Lev could conceivably return to the Knesset if Labor outperforms all polling and gets 7 seats. In such a scenario it would likely be in the next government and get 2 ministers, who would then resign from Knesset under the Norwegian law2. Shai is out as sure as night follows day. Former IDF general Yair “Yaya” Fink is seventh, in case Labor do shock the pollsters.
So much for the party that for Israel’s first 44 years never fell below the 40 seat threshold. Meanwhile, over at Likud, which is expected to cross 30 seats with ease, you have to go down to number 4 in the primaries (5 overall) to find the first Mizrachi, and down to eighth place to find the first woman. The top 20 only has a total of 2 women and 9 Mizrachi candidates – in the party that prides itself on representing the “Second Israel.”
The top 3 spots in Likud were won by Yariv Levin, a dangerous snake of a lawyer who wants to destroy the rule of law, Eli Cohen, an intellectual non-entity who is very good at intra-party politicking, and Yoav Gallant, an oaf of a retired IDF general, who would have been Chief of Staff if he hadn’t been caught stealing land to enlarge his own megalomaniacal property. Like Netanyahu, all three are Ashkenazi through and through. Finishing fourth in the “Second Israel” primaries we have the first Mizrachi, former Public Security Minister, openly gay (kinda like Ernst Rohm) and total thug and enemy of democracy Amir Ohana, followed by corrupt bully apartchik Dudi Amsalem, who the police have recommended be indicted for corruption dating back to his days in the Jerusalem Municipal Council. The first woman, toxic hatemonger Miri Regev, is eighth. The second woman, her mini-me Galit Distel-Atbaryan, is 20th.
So other than women, who lost big in the Likud primaries? Anyone with a shred of independent backbone or insufficient allegiance to the glorious defendant… I mean, leader. Sound familiar, Yank brethren? Yeah.
Tzachi Hanegbi, who holds the unique claim to fame of having been central to the incitement leading up to two political murders3, was pushed out of the list entirely, as was vote-thief poseur Orly Levi-Abekasis, who fronted “social” but was actually ranked at the bottom on “social” (i.e., pro-poor people) voting. So a good bit of schadenfreude there.
And finally, the wait is finally over. In a moment that threated to rival LeBron’s “The Decision” (not), the most recent IDF Chief of staff who is eligible to do so, Gadi Eisenkot (Moroccan despite the name) has gotten off the fence and chose – to join Benny Gantz and Gideon Sa’ar in what will now be called “HaMachane HaMamlachti.”
Why am I not simply translating that mouthful for you, my faithful and sorely put-upon reader? Because “mamlachti” is one of the trickiest words to translate in the Hebrew political lexicon. The closest you could come would probably be “republicanism” in the very old sense – of putting the greater good above partisan considerations. Its great proponent was the country’s founding father, David Ben Gurion, who in the name of this national tone of uniformity disbanded both the fabled Palmach paramilitary organization (which was aligned with a rival socialist party) and more importantly, to some – the labor movement’s education system, which was superior to that of the rest of the Hebrew-speaking population.
The point is that “mamlachti” has become a buzzword in the face of Benjamin Netanyahu’s relentless war on the rule of law, separation of powers, checks and balances, and anything that reeks of the notion that the greater good and one’s personal interests are not necessarily aligned. It is, of course, harnessed to promote a vapid “unity” discourse, which means “forget about actual policy differences and principles and rally around the leader, cause we need to beat them other guys, who only rally around their leader.” It’s kinda like in ancient Rome, home of the original “factions” in the Senate of the late Republic. Now, everyone belonged to a factio, but nobody admitted to it, as these factions were informal voting alignments and not official entities. You were a high-minded, patriotic Roman, with only the good of the state as a whole in mind. Your opponents, now – they belonged to factios, the self-dealing, ambitious curs. You? You’re mamlachti to the bone. Update: They’ve decided that their name in English shall be: The National Unity Party. Nu.
So why did Eisenkot – considered to be somewhat left of both Sa’ar and Gantz – choose them and not Lapid? According to reports, it’s because they were willing to promise him primaries for the top spot in the new unified party after the elections, whereas Lapid refused. That’s right – the great hope of Israeli democracy, the second largest party in Knesset, is run by the fiat of one man. Lapid remembers what party voters did to his father, who took a party from nothing to 15 seats only to be pointedly saddled with a list he didn’t want, and vowed it wouldn’t happen to him. Democracy, you see. Not that Gantz and Sa’ar are so high-minded about popular choice. They just know that their union is unlikely to survive long after the upcomin’, obviating any need for the promised primaries.
Onto the polls, which start scary but have pleasant finishing note:
Likud 35 (+2)
Yesh Atid 22 (-1)
“National Unity Party” 14 (+2)
Judonazis 9 (-2)
Shas 8 (-)
United Torah Judaism 7 (-)
Joint List 6 (-)
Israel Beiteinu 5 (-)
Labor 6 (+1)
United Arab List 4 (-)
Meretz 4 (-)
Zionist Spirit, perhaps terminally hurt by Eisenkot’s choice (and his using one of his three spots in the new party on former Yamina minister Matan Kahana) is dead in the water at 1.6% – less than half the 3.5% threshold. Put it all together, and the Bibi Nay camp theoretically has 61 votes (if they can all agree somehow), and the Bibi Yay camp doesn’t. Toldja it has a happy ending, but it’s just a poll, and as Shimon Peres once said: Polls are like perfume. Sniff, but don’t drink. And on that fragrant note of advice, I thank you for reading, and please comment and share on the way out. Till next time.
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1 Nachman Shai was IDF Spokesman during the first Gulf War in 1991, and became a national darling due to his competent, soothing style of reading the official announcements off a teleprompter while Israelis were cowering in plastic-sealed rooms, being bombarded with Scud missiles and fearing they were chemical. This eventually brought him to Knesset, where he has been respectably boring the shit out of observers since, until the most recent primaries put an end to his Peter Principle career.
2 The Norwegian Law allows a Knesset Member, who was appointed as minister, to resign their seat in Knesset in favor of the next person on their party’s list – with the automatic provision that should they resign their ministerial position, the seat in Knesset automatically reverts to them
3 Tzachi Hanegbi was a campus thug back in the 70s, who first came to prominence (other than being the son of Jewish supremacist MK Geulah Cohen) in the protests against the peace with Egypt and the evacuation of the Sinai peninsula. Then he became a leading voice in the vicious incitement that led to the murder of Emile Grinzweig at a Peace Now demonstration in 1981. Fast forward 12-13 years, and there he is again, a leading voice in the incitement that led to the murder of PM Yitzhak Rabin. Unhappy trails to you, Tzachi.
Shootout at the OK Gevald
Posted on: August 9, 2022
Welcome back, one and all, to another installment of the #Israelex5 Blog at the Weekend Holyland Update, brought to you live, with the style for which we strive, by Kedem Productions and GangstaYid Inc, straight from the sweltering concrete jungle of southeastern Tel Aviv.
A lot has happened since our latest dispatch, and while mine own energy levels have been suffering from the stupor-inducing summer temperatures, that hasn’t stopped events from rambling on, to include a brief performance of the annual bloodletting ritual.
As all the official babble, and much of the media coverage, has blathered the usual cliches about Israel’s right to defend itself, the right of its citizens to be free of rocket fire, and blah blah some more, perhaps a brief recap of this proactive, Israeli-instigated short shoot-up show is in order:
In the early morning hours of August 2nd, IDF forces raided the West Bank Palestinian city of Jenin (as they frequently do) and arrested several men wanted for terrorism (ditto), including one Bassam a-Saadi, an operative of the Islamic Jihad in Palestine (IJP) who, whether it was necessary or not, was documented being dragged by attack dogs as he was arrested.
Following this, Israel claimed to have intelligence of planned reprisals attacks by the IJP, and shut down traffic in the south of the country – roads, rail, summer camps, workplaces, events, the works. People in Israel were grumbling about this seemingly craven approach, and crowned the IJP the winners of this round without firing a shot.
But although Israel is stupid, it is yet to reach that nadir. Israel was planning all along (at least since arresting a-Saadi, who may have folded instantly under questioning) to assassinate a senior IJP commander in the Gaza Strip, southern sector commander Taysir al-Jaabari, which objective it carried out at 16:16 hours on Friday, August 5th. Having preemptively made sure there would be no civilians on the road for the IJP to target with their rockets and anti-tank launchers in reprisal, Israel was free to keep hammering the Gaza Strip and making withdrawals on its target bank, to the tune of 35 casualties, of which 11 were non-combatants (IDF’s count) or 46 casualties, of which 16 were non-combatants (Gaza Health Ministry’s count). More non-combatants seem to have been killed by the 200 or so IJP rockets that fell short of Israel, within the Strip. Of the app. 1,100 that did make it across the border separating Israel from its open-air prison, 95% were reportedly intercepted by the Iron Dome system, and the rest causing only some property damage and a total of three wounded from shrapnel and some others who were treated for bruises and anxiety.
So a great success for the interim Prime Minister Yair Lapid in his first baptism by fire (well, not his personally), right? Superficially, yes. It was a well-conducted operation, as such things go, with no funerals on Israel’s side of the border, and the polls (we’ll get to them below) reflect that. But what about the long term?
Well, if you want to be an optimist, there are signs that not everything about this latest round of shootin’ down folks and blowin’ stuff up with drones was same old, same old. For one, Hamas stayed out of it. The IJP, as the distant second place movement in the Gaza Strip* can be all purist and ideological, vowing to fight to the last man with the last pipe-bomb launcher, hiding under the last pile of rubble. Hamas, as the entity in power, has to actually govern in between skirmishes with Israel, and therefore it has to somewhat listen to what its people want, and what the people in the Gaza Strip wanted this summer was a respite from skirmishing. Hell, that’s what they want most of the time. Only when Israel pushes them too far do they truly support the futile defiance of hurling metal pipes out of fireworks launchers against a country that can darken the skies over their heads with drones carrying smart bombs – basically saying “fine, but your life gonna be disrupted for a lil bit too.” This time the vast majority in the Strip, according to what I’m reading, wanted nothing of the sort. This, beyond natural fatigue with the horrors of these extended bloodletting orgies that occur once every year or two, is a product of Israel smartly focusing its recent suppression efforts on the IJP, and working quietly to drive a wedge between the two Islamist terror groups (while Hamas is the actual representative of the Muslim Brotherhood movement in Palestine, IJP is a more radical Brotherhood offshoot, much closer than Hamas to global jihadi movements such as Al-Qaeda and Daesh [ISIS].)
Haaretz analyst Zvi Bar’el wrote on Sunday that it is possible that one result of Israel’s assassination of Jaabari (and his counterpart, the southern sector commander) is that younger men will be promoted to these important positions who are a) less experienced, naturally, but more importantly, b) less aligned with the organization’s political leadership, which sits in Damascus and Beirut. This prediction may be borne out by the organization’s surprisingly mild response, after the ceasefire which ended three days of one-sided ass-whooping, to a pointed question about Hamas’s refusal to join in: “There are other ways to help than fighting.” When you’ve just been stomped, you can’t afford to fight with your infinitely big brother as well, I guess.
After falling for the same trap the IJP did and braying loudly about the shameful and cowardly shut-down that preceded the op, the opposition played nice once the guns got going, and rallied behind the government during the weekend military excursion, with Netanyahu finally deigning to show up to a security briefing (it’s mandatory for him as Opposition Leader, and he’s refused to do it for a year so as not to have his cultists see him accord another man PM props). As soon as the ceasefire was declared it was back to business as usual, with all kinds of bitchmoanplainin’ about how Lapid and Defense Minister Gantz dared to be photographed doing their jobs and looking all leader-like in election time. A Bibi mouthpiece named Yaakov Bardugo tweeted stupidly that the Lapid government is leading a “stupid trend” of differentiating Hamas from the IJP. So no, dividing your enemies is actually wise. Problem is, Israel already pulled that with the PLO vs. Hamas – and didn’t use its success to actually do business with the more moderate wing of the broken wishbone. So why should we expect any different in Gaza?
Meanwhile, since the media must have its heroes after a shoot-up, even one that’s really fish in a barrel[1], the “hero” dujour is an IDF shero, who bragged to the media about shooting an unarmed man descending an IJP guard tower on the other side of the border – just shot him, for no reason, no threat, no action, no nothing. But it was open season, so it’s somehow cool. It’s a shite state of affairs to be in, Tommy, and all the fresh wounds in the world aren’t gonna change that.
So much for the shootin’. You can take a breath, a sip, a toke or whatever before continuing to the intra-Jewish politics below.
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[1] (if Hamas is like David compared to Israel’s Goliath, the IJP is David’s addle-brained baby brother who can barely grasp a sling, let alone use it)
Pretty Boy Fails To Revive Flagging Zionist Spirit
There’s a new alliance in town, and according to initial polls, its seemed to actually be doing its job and dragging the corpse of Yamina across the electoral threshold in the polls. But recall Ran Shimoni’s point – no union of existing actors ever exceeded its initial polling, which means there’s every chance in the world that even with Yoaz Hendel’s “Derech Eretz” party, Yamina will still fall short of the goal line. More recent polls indeed have the new bloc, titled “Zionist Spirit” polling at about 2.6% – far short of the 3.5% of the vote needed.
Who’s Yoaz Hendel, you ask? He’s a dashingly handsome naval commando alum, grew up with a knit skullcap but took it off in his youth. Worked for Bibi’s PM’s Office and resigned in protest when Bibi flouted the court ruling, that said his chief of staff Nathan Eshel, who was caught practicing the sexual offense known as upskirt photography, should be banned from public service. Eshel officially resigned but remained as an unofficial advisor to Bibi and a heavyweight power in “court,” and Hendel correctly said “Fuck that.”
But since this display of fine moral spine, Hendel’s conscience has proved far more limber in terms of political loyalty. His adventures in electoral politics began when he and the Frack to his Frick, Zvi Hauser (who likewise quit Bibi’s inner circle due to Upskirtgate) joined their new and untested “Derech Eretz” party to former IDF Chief Moshe ‘Bogie’ Ya’alon, who also formed a new party called Telem, ahead of the 2019 elections (the first of the current neverending cycle of them. There was one in ’19, two in ’20, one in ’21, and the upcomin’ scheduled for November 1st, 2022.)
Along with Ya’alon and Telem, Hendel and Hauser then joined forces with Yair Lapid’s Yesh Atid, Benny Gantz’s “Hosen L’Israel” and another former IDF Chief named Gabi Ashkenazi, to form Kachol-Lavan (“Blue and White”) – a brand now left in the exclusive control of Gantz. This alliance vied for electoral supremacy with Bibi’s Likud with considerable success, only breaking up in the third elections (late 2020) when Gantz stabbed his partners and voters in the back and joined Bibi with about half of the unified list’s MK’s – Hendel and Hauser among them, despite their leader, Ya’alon, going the other way.
Then the two jumped ship again and joined Gideon Saar’s New Hope (“Tikva Hadasha”), and now they’re fleeing that host (which united with Gantz, who they already burned and who carries a grudge) and latching on to the dying cadaver of Yamina, which for the first time in all its iterations over the past decade or so, does not have a single religious person in a realistic spot on the list. They’re keeping the 3rd spot open for outgoing Religious Affairs Minister, Matan Kahane – but he already spurned the offer in such disdainful terms, I can’t see him swallowing it and reneging.
Which brings us to another desertion from the listing ship of New Hope, which as the mindful reader may recall, united with Benny Gantz’s Blue and White to form the third largest bloc in Knesset, with 14 seats in the current Knesset and 11-14 in the polls for the next. MK Michal Shir, a long-time ally and follower of New Hope Chairman Saar, announced that she is taking her seat and MK’s funding unit and going over to Lapid’s Yesh Atid. Her reason, btw, is quite hilarious. “Benny Gantz is a socialist leftist” (‘scuse me, as Jimi said, while I fix to die laughin, cause Benny the Goose Boy is about as socialist as Milton Friedman; carry on) and some more shade about how he isn’t fit to be PM (which is what he is explicitly aiming for, and not unrealistically as things are shaking out) and how Yesh Atid “reminds her of the old-school Likud” (i.e. before it was taken over by thugs and religios and Judonazis).
On the left, Zehava Galon did indeed come back to stand for leadership (as predicted by this fine and friendly family feature) and save the day, and the polls give Meretz under her leadership a whole seat more than under dumbass IDF he-man Yair “Being called a lefty is like being called the N-word” Golan. I’ll be shocked if he comes close to beating her. By close I mean 40%.
The upshot of all this is, according to the polls, that if Yamina does indeed clear the bar and get in with 4 seats, or even 3[2], Bibi will have his parliamentary majority, with Judonazis as his senior partner.
Bibi Didn’t Know!
In other news: The defendant Benjamin Netanyahu was under questioning again, this time not as a defendant but under implicit warning. This questioning took place in connection with the Meron Festival disaster, where 45 pilgrims were crushed to death in a stampede in April 2021 due to overcrowding, a shoddily constructed stand collapsing, and a lack of regulation and oversight undergirding both those factors. Bibi was PM at the time and despite the panel of the inquiry commission showing him more and more instances of communications to him on the subject over the years (this is an annual event that just keeps getting bigger), he kept insisting that he never saw them, that this is low-level stuff that simply doesn’t reach the actual PM’s actual eyes. Thus, even when presented with “The PM’s response to the State’s Comptroller Report,” which mentioned conditions at Meron being ripe for calamity, he insisted that “it’s called the PM’s answer, but in practice it’s written by someone in the office. I didn’t see it.”
What did he see? COVID-related stuff! As there was, somehow, no epidemiological disaster at the festival – it somehow didn’t become a super-spreader event – Netanyahu took a victory lap. And the 45 dead? That’s somebody else’s department, see.
And as us Jews continue our interminable petty squabbles about the precise flavor of the regime of Jewish supremacism in this land, we have (in addition to the spree of carnage in Gaza) continued killing Palestinians in the occupied territories at the clip of 2-3 per week (most recently: An elderly, unarmed mental patient and a 15 year-old boy), and our Supreme Court overturned its own ruling from two years ago, and in an expanded panel ruled that private Palestinian land, stolen for the purposes of creating a settlement outpost that’s illegal even under Israeli laws, does not have to be returned to its owners if settlers are already living on it, because said court ruled that the land was stolen “in good faith” (i.e. the thieves didn’t know it was private property, and thought it was merely public Palestinian land they were appropriating in the name of God’s master race.) The court did pay lip service about how future cases will be held to a high bar of “good faith,” but this one the gonifs get away with.
Post bloodletting polls:
Likud 33 (-2)
Yesh Atid (Lapid) 23 (+2)
JudoNazis 11 (+1)
Blue&White / New Hope (Gantz & Sa’ar) 12 (-)
Shas (Sephardic Ultra Orthodox) 8 (-)
United Torah Judaism (Ashkenazi UO) 7 (-)
Joint List (most Arab parties) 6 (-)
Israel Beiteinu (Finance Minister and crook and possible Russian spy Avigdor Liberman) 5 (-)
Labor 5 (-1)
Meretz 4 (-1)
United Arab List (Islamists, were in the last coalition) 4 (-)
Zionist Spirit: Does not make it in 2/3 polls.
Blocs: Bibi Yay 59, Bibi Nay 51, Arabs in the Middle 10
So much for this long-delayed installment, which all you good patrons of this fine and friendly family feature have been patiently awaiting. Don’t forget to tip (be it in the form of dineros or comments, or a share on your preferred public media) on the way out. Till the next time.
[2] Mathematically possible but practically not really
Welcome back to the GangstaYid Guide to Israelex5, brought to you live and with fond hopes to survive (unworthy government, global climate collapse, my own foibles, the vagaries of fate…). Yes, you finally made it to the juicy stuff – the desperate cupidity of Israel’s temporarily distressed God-Emperor and his bubbly-lovin’ missus. The final big story in the past week, as promised, was explosive testimony in Benjamin Netanyahu’s personal corruption case – aka Case 1000, or “The Gifts Case”.
The gist: Netanyahu is accused of receiving regular gifts of high end luxury items (ranging from Cohiba 56 [NOT 54!] cigars and pink champagne, through jewelry and designer clothing and accessories in the 4-5 dollar-figure range, up to free use of a fully stocked villa, conveniently located right next to their own and purchased at their instruction. By whom? James Packer, Australian billionaire and one-time boyfriend of Mariah Carey, who bought the villa and some of the other stuff; and by Arnon Milchan, an Israeli billionaire, who was on the hook for most of the bubbly and Cubanos, and who actually introduced Packer to Bibi as a way to lighten his own financial burden associated with the cultivation of a native potentate. While Packer (an apparently unstable person who developed an obsession with Jews, Israel, and Netanyahu as a sort of second coming, and also provided Netanyahu Jr. free use of his NYC luxury suite) was mostly a sap in all this, Milchan got material rewards, like Netanyahu intervening for him with U.S. immigration authorities (his 10-year visa renewal was being held up on some suspicion of shenanigans or other) and business/tax affairs in Israel.
Netanyahu’s defense (which has no legs. 1000 is the most open and shut case of the three against him) is that the Milchans were dear personal friends of his and Sara’le, and you’re allowed to receive gifts from friends. So to break this down:
- No, not when you’re PM you’re not. Not in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. This is spelled out by law and was made abundantly clear to Netanyahu after the end of his 1st term as PM (1996-1999,) when he likewise got in trouble for receiving… “emoluments,” to put it in Yankee terms. He was let off back then under the erroneous assumption that his political career was over and it wouldn’t be relevant again. Oh, my sweet summer child…
- Yeah, “friends” don’t send their “friends” regular orders for refills like I do with my weed dealer. Friends are allowed to see each other without bringing an expensive gift. The explosive witness, one Hadas Klein (Personal assistant to Milchan and in part concurrently Packer’s rep in Israel, who personally attended to the regular delivery of the “gifts”,) testified that “there was no such thing as meeting them and not bringing something.”) I might add that I’m more polite with my telegrass dude than these schmucks were with their “friends.” Friends also reciprocate. Klein testified that the most the Netanyahus reciprocated was a cheap watch and something or other from the low-cost toy store chain “for the kids.” Now, the defense countered this with a photo of Amanda Milchan, standing with Sara like good friends, wearing some necklace. The defense claimed that this necklace was bought by the Netanyahus. Now a picture may be worth a thousand words, but in this context? A receipt would be worth a thousand pics. Just sayin’.
- This one’s hilarious. So as the demands for cee-gars, bubbly, and the occasional anniversary bling (yes, Netanyahu had another man buy his anniversary gifts for him…) got more regular, and piled up to the point where Klein was beginning to wonder if she was doing something improper, and Milchan (“a frugal man” as Klein was forced to concede on the stand) ordered Klein to tally up “what the Netanyahus are costing him”, the Nut-and-yahoos attempted to allay Klein’s concern by saying “we got a legal opinion that says that if it’s not an apartment, it’s allowed” (lie, but it gets better.) Remember I said “use of a fully stocked villa”? Netanyahu sees that he has this wide-eyed, star-struck man-child with billions to his name who worships him without question. So he has Packer buy the villa adjacent to Bibi’s own in Caesarea – and since Packer is not in Israel all that often, basically place it at the disposal of the Famiglia Bibi. The Bibs, the missus, and their boys treated the place as a staycation property, enjoying the run of a stocked luxury villa without having to live in it once they made a mess. They’d decamp back across the fence to their own crib, which was cleaned in the meantime on the state’s dime, and leave Packer’s place to be cleaned on Packer’s dime. So “if it’s not an apartment you’re allowed”. And if it’s a villa? Oh, he didn’t transfer it to your name so it’s ok?
Klein’s testimony, delivered calmly and without rancor (although she did get emotional and indignant once, when describing how Sara accused her of stealing something and tried to get her fired), had even some cultists expressing second thoughts. This, however, had no immediate effect in the polls, which, on aggregate, have Likud gaining a seat or two off the carcass of Yamina – but still not achieving a bloc-wide ruling majority. Then again, if they weren’t cultists they’d have woken up long ago. So even Klein’s comment, that she was afraid to tell Sara that she’s a Mizrachi Jew because then Sara “wouldn’t want to be her friend” (i.e., wouldn’t be willing to accept her as the liaison in charge of keeping the gifts coming) had little immediate impact. Maybe with three months of pounding, if the geniuses can get to pounding it.
Meretz, with military clown Yair Golan the only current candidate for leadership, is teetering on the very bring of extinction. Although it squeezes into Knesset in most polls, it does it so narrowly, that the two polls in which it doesn’t make are enough to pull it below the threshold on average. So the gevald chorus is now keening for former chairwoman Zehava Galon, who was unseated precisely for lack of the star power and charisma needed to lift the party out of perpetual fear for its electoral life. Since leaving Knesset she has rediscovered a clear lefty fire in her voice (and popularity as a witty tweeter) that was less evident in the compromise-filled life of an actual legislator, and the feeling is she could do a better job in rallying the party faithful than the dude in uniform. Chicks may dig the uniform, but less so in our camp.
Nearing the end, as Haaretz reporter @Ran_Shimoni points out, virtually never in Israeli political history has a pre-election merger of parties exceeded its initial post-merger polling, so the challenge facing the hybrid Blue Hope/New-and-White1 list is to maintain 14, and even that seems to be a challenge, as their standard-bearer Benny Gantz made no impression whatsoever during Biden’s visit, save being caught on camera trying to open a water bottle with his teeth.
Getting there, it is worth noting that the only difference between Blue and White and New Hope, in terms of the kind of electorate they appeal to and the policies they support, is that one is led by a veteran politician who knows the ins and outs of the civilian world, and the other by an unimpressive military man who until 2 years ago had zero experience on the civilian side, and whose most notable political achievement up to this week was to betray his voters, join Netanyahu after rd. 3 of the elex, and get stabbed in the back by the same Netanyahu under a year later. His second most notable achievement was to fight tooth and nail for preposterous pension benefits for retired IDF officers. That was his main issue in the “Change Government.”
There was good news for him this week though, as alluded above – the AG has ruled that despite it being election time, Defense Minister Benny Gantz can proceed with the process, already begun prior to elections being called, of appointing the IDF’s next Chief of Staff. Likud’s back-benchers were all up in arms on the topic, warning that if the AG rules as she eventually she did, they’ll fire her first thing when they get back in power. (Israel’s AG is a supposedly non-partisan actor, not subject to automatic and acceptable replacement upon new administration.) So she did so rule, and Gantz gets to influence the only aspect of Israeli society he actually cares about.
In sort of good news for him, the two schmucks who wouldn’t let him form a coalition in Rd. 3, Yoaz Hendel and Zvi Hauser – aka the Frick and Frack, or Itchy and Scratchy of Israeli politics – are once again shopping for an electoral home, and for lack of better options to take their sabotaging, overinflating egos on board, they’re joining up with Ayelet Shaked on the good ship Titanic… I mean Yamina.
Finally, in light of all the actual, convicted and indicted criminals running in the Likud primaries (it’s FAR from just Bibi. The fish may stink from the head but mofo been reeking for a while. Shit’s metastasized throughout), @ShragaTichover over on twitter broke a “scoop” when he “reported” that instead of a retired judge to oversee their primaries, as is customary, Likud are considering the appointment of a parole officer… Well played, my man, well played. And on that note, until the next episode – thank you for flying the Gangsta skies.
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1 Yeah, I did that on purpose. Good catch. There really is very little to tell these parties apart.
Bibi’s low-class grifting, Biden’s low-content visit, and how it all plays out in #Israelex5 – brought to you live, with an occasional deep dive, from the ironically named Neighborhood of Hope (it’s a slum. Great market though) in southeastern Tel Aviv.
U.S. President Joe Biden just completed a two-day stay in Israel (plus another in the Palestinian Authority), during which he mugged for the cameras, deftly played the complex political situation amongst his hosts, flashed the warm human charm with a couple elderly Holocaust victims, but he did not spend the same amount of time and attention – or any time – on any Palestinian victims of far more recent war crimes, violations of human rights, and the occasional ethnic cleansing.
At the airport ceremony, everything was deftly arranged so as not to provide anyone with cause for complaint during these fraught electoral times, and the esteemed guest played along to perfection. While he did share a longer moment 1-on-1 with the newly installed caretaker PM, including a jokey reminiscence (Lapid reminded Biden that some 8 years ago, when they last met, Biden told him “If I had your hair I’d be President by now,” to which Lapid replied “and if I had your height I’d be Prime Minister by now”1 – and look at them now. Aw.
So Lapid got that, but Bibi got his moment too. Despite being told that there would be no handshakes, and indeed Lapid, outgoing PM Bennett, and President2 Isaac Herzog got vigorous (dare I say spry?) fist-bumps (non-terrorist, due to the exemplary whiteness of all involved) – Bibi got a warm handshake and a smiling “You know I love you” from the Prez.
The Bibi cultists went into full augury & divination mode, explaining how this means that Biden knows who the grown-up and worthy statesman in the “room” (shit happened outdoors) is, or at the very least that he knows Bibi’s coming back in 3.5 months and is already mending fences.
Now I could be wrong, but that handshake gave me more of a Michael-to-Fredo-kiss vibe. That he said “You know I love you,” rather than “You broke my heart,” means nothing. The best revenge is celebrated with a suave demeanor, and Bibi ain’t no brother to Joseph Robinette. I can’t imagine a single alum of the Obama administration who harbors anything but contempt for Bibi, and the damage he’s done to the “unique relationship.” FWIW, veteran Haaretz political analyst Yossi Verter thinks much as I do, saying that handshake and those words ended with an implicit “but I so don’t want your ass back in power.” Anyway, so much for that.
From the airport, as per hallowed tradition, the visitor was schlepped to Yad Vashem, Israel’s national Holocaust (“and Bravery”) Museum, where every visiting dignitary is brought, so that before they even fix they mouth to talk to us about shit, they start off with the proper mindset – one of obeisance to our uniquely sacred suffering, some three-score and seventeen years ago, and counting.
At the Yad [raise your hand if you from around the way & from back in the day, so you got that ref. I kill me], Joey turned on the human touch, speaking at length and with great warmth with two Holocaust survivors out of bunch who were there to meet’n’greet him. He also signed the visitor book at length (the White House made it clear that cameras were NOT to be trained on Biden while writing his piece), and gave a lil speech where he waxed poetic about his tremendously warm feelings for us Hebes. “One need not be a Jew to be a Zionist” (No, but it tends to be creepier.) We also got to hear, again, how all this fuzzy warmth toward us was inspired by his father, who taught him about the Holocaust and told him to always be on the side of the Jews. Too bad pops didn’t make his lesson a tad more universal, say “always be on the side of justice” or “the side being done dirty.” Alas. As Reshef Shay (@rereshef) put it on twitter – aside from losing his virginity, Biden got the full Birthright experience.
The next day the President and the Prime Minister signed the “Jerusalem Statement,” in which the U.S. reaffirms its commitment to Israel’s safety as a cornerstone of its foreign policy, affirms Israel’s right to defend itself from attack (nothing about the right of various others to defend themselves from attack by Israel), and how Iran will never be allowed to acquire nukes. From there, and a tete-a-tete with Lapid (followed by a briefer one with Netanyahu, it was on to the President’s Residence for a reception, and some bonding with President Bougie about their Irish heritage (Bougie’s gramps was Chief Rabbi of Ireland, before coming here and becoming Chief Ashkenazi Rabbi of Mandatory Palestine, continuing in the same office in the young State of Israel) and boxing (Bougie’s pops, who was also President of Israel in the ‘80s, was Ireland’s junior bantamweight champion as a young lad.)
At this reception we got the stupid brouhaha of the day. There was a singing performance, by a young woman and rather famous singer named Yuval Dayan. Ms. Dayan is apparently religious, and while she does not eschew the mixing of the sexes to the point of declining a performance before a co-ed audience (many religious performers, male and female, do so), she does observe the halachic rule of “negiah”, which – to simplify – says an adult (i.e. adolescent and up) woman is not supposed to physically touch a man other than her husband or father or son. Biden didn’t know this, approached to shake her hand after the performance (as one does) – and she exercised her bodily autonomy and left the presidential hand hanging.
Now, lemme make some things clear here: Negiah is an odious stricture, a wild overreach of extending the biblical law: “None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the Lord.” The idea, obviously, is to prevent any contact that might devolve into illicit hanky-panky (including between siblings, according to Maimonides. Ew, I know) – but what this is really about is an adult version of “girls have cooties,” which “good” religious girls are expected to internalize.
That said – it’s her body. Her hand. Her choice. It doesn’t matter what I, you, anyone thinks. It doesn’t matter that most rabbis who insist on “negiah” also insist that a woman shouldn’t sing to men (or more importantly, that men shouldn’t hear a woman singing, since as the sages put it: “Voice in a woman is like nakedness.”) It doesn’t matter that some geniuses dug up a picture of Dayan hugging singer Shlomi Shabbat (not her father, husband, son, or even sibling) in a decidedly negiah-violating manner. That was 2 years ago, she got more religious since. Biden’s hand was all clammy and she was squeaked, she had a rash – what the fuck ever was her reason.
That of course didn’t stop too many people wasting too much energy condemning her, but it gets worse – she says she told the production team throughout the week preceding the incident that she don’t shake no men’s hands. President’s Residence department of ceremonies and protocol done fucked up here, it appears, and this is the only reason why anyone should care about the episode. I say “it appears” because while I take Ms. Dayan’s word for it, she did seem a bit too prepared and eager for the noise that followed. Anyway, folks were talmbout that, even made the press back in the States, I hear tell.
From there Biden continued to Teddy Stadium in Jerusalem, for the opening ceremony of the Maccabi Games – basically the Jewish Olympics, and a thing (like too many) that was a whole lot more relevant when I was a kid. Anyway, as my man’s motorcade is snaking its way up the mountain to Jerooz, there was a power outage at the stadium, and I thought I was seeing a hit attempt unfold on live TV. But no, just typical Israeli incompetence. They got the power back up in 15 or so, but it was a bad look. You ain’t got backup power for an event of that magnitude, attended by the mf’ing POTUS?
The next day Biden, a good Christian man, went to Bethlehem to visit the Church of the Nativity, and thence to Ramallah, to meet the figurehead of the Paltustanian Authority[TM]. He and Abbas couldn’t come to an agreement about the wording of a joint statement, so they made separate summary remarks. Biden repeated his theoretical allegiance to the two-state-solution, while again (as at the airport) acknowledging that there isn’t any chance right now of restarting actual negotiations to get there. He visited a Palestinian hospital in East Jerusalem (unattended by any Israeli, which annoyed Israel but at least that much he was able to insist on), and announced a cool third of a billion in various forms of aid (360M to be precise.) But he said nothing about the Palestinian core demands from Washington: Reopen the consulate in East Jerusalem, reopen the PLO’s offices in Washington, and remove the PLO from the terror organization list. Abbas, in his remarks, reiterated them.
From the PA Joe took off to Jedda, where he fist-bumped the man he was trying to ignore into oblivion, Muhammad bin Salman, Crown Prince of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. According to reports, Biden did pay lip service to human rights issues by starting the conversation with a question about the murder of Jamal Khashoggi. Y’all ‘member Jamal, right? He’s the Saudi national, forced into exile due to his critical coverage of MbS, who was murdered in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, and his body hacked up and stuffed in a suitcase.
MbS reputedly replied with “Dunno, what’s up with Shireen Abu Akleh?” before giving the matter lip-service, promising that “those involved” (excluding his order-giving ass, of course) will be “punished.” Abu Akleh, you may recall, is the Palestinian reporter who an official US examination concluded was “likely” killed by IDF fire (sorry, “fire coming from IDF positions”) – but despite not knowing for sure who killed her, and not having interviewed a single possible shooter, the American investigation also knew to tell us the shooting was “likely unintentional”. How does that compute? It doesn’t, and MbS, holding all the cards, wasn’t gonna pretend it does.
So yeah, Joey had little to say about human rights after that comeback. He also didn’t get any public commitment to up oil production (to counter the lost Russian supply and keep Europe heated next winter, so Europe stays solid against Russia) – although he “hinted” at private assurances (there’s an OPEC summit coming up next months and it’s possible MbS will give the WH what it wants without letting it appear like a snappy “yes suh, Massa!” when Daddy comes calling.) Meanwhile, the UAE backed out of the regional alliance Washington’s trying to build against Iran, saying it would rather “mend fences” with the Islamic Republic. Ouchie.
Back on the Israeli front – this visit by Biden, like his trip last week to Paris, were planned by and for the Bennett PM’s office, in the hopes of giving him a much-needed leadership boost. It was much needed, but happened so late, it was reaped by his successor and bro, Yair Lapid. This visit in particular was Lapid’s big chance to look “like a Prime Minister,” and although his success at this was partial – no gaffes or missteps, but also no “that was the moment he became PM” etc, – I think he handled it shrewdly. He knew that any attempt to produce such a “that’s the moment” effect was as likely to backfire as it was to succeed. So he chose the other route and used his big moment to show that he’s the sharing and respecting type. He insisted on giving Bennett his props – and never mind that it ended up increasing Bennett’s afterthought vibes; he took Gantz (Now leader of a list not that much smaller than Lapid’s party, and self-declared rival for the PM job) to Yad Vashem, and even made sure to give Bibi full props as Opposition Leader.
For all his TV prowess and vanity, Lapid knows he can’t compete with Bibi’s cult status as a genius master statesman, so making this moment all about himself would only lead to ridicule. Instead, he reminded all potential partners – those present and those watching at home – that under him as top dog, the other dogs still eat their fair share. He didn’t even have to spell it out – even Bibi’s staunchest allies know that his word ain’t worth shit and that no-one of skill and stature is allowed to grow under him. So Lapid’s score from this visit – despite the achievements on the Saudi front, which include the right to fly through the kingdom’s airspace and direct flights for pilgrims – is mixed. As my mainest man, former Consul General of Israel in NYC, and all-around sharp-eyed observer Alon Pinkas (@AlonPinkas on twitter. Follow him for sharp politics and sports banter) put it: MbS is the only winner from this visit.
So much for Joey’s Mideast Hike, which took up more wordage than I expected. So thanks for reading and check back shortly for part 3 of this week’s 3-part bonanza, which is all written up and is being formatted for your perusal. Thanks for flying the friendly Gangsta skies.
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1 Lapid, prior to entering politics, was known in the public’s imagination for two prominent traits: His perfectly coiffed and gelled hair (early in his political career many – your humble narrator included – enjoyed referring to him as “The Gel”. He smartly knocked that twee shit off upon entering politics, and has now entered solidly into silver fox territory.) The second trait is, well, dude’s seriously challenged in the verticality department, and I say this standing all of 5’7 (that’s 1.69 to you readers where the more sensible metric system rules.). There was/is often talk of him wearing lifts and standing on things behind podiums so his chin ain’t hanging off them. With these two facts in mind, the “If I had your…” exchange at least makes some sense, although Joey’s hair is fairly presidential, so….
2 Our president is a mostly ceremonial figure, whose only political relevance is to decide who gets the first crack at forming a coalition after elections. This was once rarely significant because it was obvious who had the best, and often the only chance to do so; but with the current political deadlock, it’s more important than it used to be. The President also holds the power of pardon, and many suspect that Herzog — a high powered corporate attorney when not in politics, who is the living embodiment of the big money-government-white collar crime nexus — will pardon Bibi even if he’s convicted in any of the three cases.
Welcome back to the Weekend Holyland Update, where we’re all about the upcomin’ Israeli e-lections number five, brought to you live and with plenty of drive from the southeastern melting pot of Tel Aviv. Today we have new revelations in the Famiglia Netanyahu’s bottomless, shameless greed, a joining of forces on the moderate right, mealymouthed whining on the left, and an empty suit in the middle, trying to grow into the position he has been methodically angling to achieve for a decade.
Starting with the most election-y news, remember how there used to be a bunch of parties bringing up the rear in the polls with the bare minimum of four seats? Well, as of this past weekend there is one fewer. “New Hope” headed by Justice Minister Gideon Sa’ar (6 seats in the outgoing Knesset, 4 in recent polls), and “Blue and White” headed by Defense Minister Benny Gantz (8 seats in the outgoing, about the same in the current polls) have announced that they will be merging and running as a bloc, and explicitly declared Benny Gantz a candidate for Prime Minister. This would justify a raised eyebrow or two, what with the new party having only 14 seats in the outgoing, 3 behind PM Lapid’s Yesh Atid and 16 behind Likud (with the gap even larger in current polls). But after a year under a PM with only 6 fractious seats behind him, it sounds less outlandish. Oh, and interestingly – the new bloc did NOT vow not to sit with Netanyahu, unlike each of the constituent parties’ commitments before the last round.
What was immediately clear to me is that is that this union puts whatever is left of Yamina – outgoing PM Naftali Bennett’s party (which will be led by Interior Minister Ayelet Shaked and not Bennett, since he decided to sit this one out) – in a pretty rough spot. Let’s break the map of the Israeli right-wing down:
On the extreme right you have Religious Zionism (i.e. the Judo-Nazis), led by settlers Bezalel Smotrich (who hoarded over 150 gallons of gasoline to resist the 2005 disengagement from Gaza, but wisely chickened out of using them) and Itamar Ben Gvir (a senior Kahanist** who headed the violent hounding of murdered PM Rabin, once ripping the hood ornament from his car and boasting on national TV that “just as we got to the hood ornament, we can get to Rabin”). Yamina, whether under Bennett (a religious-lite person) or Shaked (secular) is on the complete opposite end of the right-wing spectrum, representing moderates, both religious and secular, not dyed-in-the-wool Nazis. So unless a body was severely radicalized over a year, they ain’t gonna jump ship straight from Yamina to the Nazis, nor vice-versa unless they were suddenly cured of the Nazi disease.
So what remains on the right is of course the mothership of Likud, the two Ultra-Orthodox parties (whose electorates, like that of the Nazis, are mutually exclusive with Yamina), and finally the two that just declared a joint run – whose electorates ARE fungible with that of Yamina.
So Ms. Shaked has to offer right-wing voters, who are relatively moderate and fed-up with Bibi’s corruption and Likud’s gutter populism, something that a much surer bet isn’t. Now that the new bloc refrained from declaring allegiance to the principle of “Never Bibi” – even the ones who want “Soft right that will likely sit with Netanyahu if that’s the coalition to be made” have a better option. While Education Minister Yifat Shasha-Biton (of the larger Blue and White part of the merger) has declared that the unified list won’t sit with Netanyahu – she ain’t calling the shots, so that’s of limited import.
What is of some horse-race import is that the post-merger polls are in, and while the new merger gets a modest bump over its combined strength in prior polls, and so does Yesh Atid, it does not look good for Bibi – and it looks really bad for Ayelet Shaked and Yamina.
(Previous in parentheses) Likud 34 (34), Yesh Atid (Lapid) 23 (21) the new merged Blue-and-White-New-Hope 14 (12 combined), Judo-Nazis 10 (10), Sephardic Ultra-Orthodox 8 (8), Ashkenazi UO 7 (7), Joint List (most Arab parties, running together as a bloc) 6 (6), Israel Beiteinu (mostly older Russian-speakers and fools who like a corrupt “strongman”) 5 (5), Labor 5 (5), United Arab List (Moderate Islamists, were in the “change coalition”) 4 (4), Meretz 4 (4). Missing cause they ain’t make the cut in the new landscape: Shaked’s Yamina, polling at around 2% (out of the required 3.5% threshold.)
Blocs according to this poll and basically all post-merger polls: Bibi’s bloc: 59. Anyone-but-Bibi Bloc: 55. Holding the key for the latter: the Joint List with 6.
Now, there’s a supposed heavyweight free-agent left unsigned in the market. And you’ll never believe it, not in a million years – It’s a general! A Former IDF Chief of Staff! Ainchy’all shocked, now? Tell the truth.
The new savior, courted by both the new merged party and Lapid’s Yesh Atid, is the umpteenth iteration of the “level-headed and devoted to the public good,” steely-eyed but warm-hearted*** military man. This one’s name is Gadi Eisenkot, predecessor to the current occupation-thug-in-chief. According to the polls, he’ll add around two seats to whoever he joins. According to one poll, if he joins the new merger under his own predecessor in the army, Benny Gantz, he’ll add a whopping three seats, and – this is the important part – one of them at the direct expense of the Likud bloc.
In other electoral news, Health Minister Nitzan Horowitz has announced that he will not run to lead Meretz again (though he will likely run for a spot in the party’s list for Knesset.) This leaves MK Yair Golan, a former IDF General, as the only current contestant for the job, after former leader and Environmental Protection Minister Tamar Zandberg also said she won’t be running for the top spot this time. Golan is uniformly detested by much of the party’s base, not just for being former IDF, but for being a bumbling he-man ass who is totally out of step with the party’s sensibilities and positions on most issues.
Example? Why, he just provided one this week, and it’s a beaut. “I think being called a “lefty” (“smolan” from the Hebrew “smol” – left) is a slur. It’s like being called a n—-r.” (yes, dumbfuck said that. I know. I just don’t have enough melanin to properly give this man the side-eye that conveys “boy, if you don’t sit yo ass down and stfu…” and actually makes him do it.)
The only reason he was elected on the party’s ticket is another pathetic attempt to shore up security cred for a party that will NEVER have enough of that to people who fret about it. His only saving grace is that he’s willing to brawl with the right and punch them in the mouth – but in the name of what? Shame in being a lefty? Say it loud, boy – I’m left and I’m proud. Of course, these episodes only serve to whip up victimization frenzy on the right. “Didja hear what that white privileged lefty sombitch saaaaaiiiiiid????!!!!!!”
Way I read it, unless a REAL lefty shows up and sweeps the Meretz party faithful up in a whirlwind of conviction and enthusiasm, the only prayer Meretz has with General Golan as a standard-bearer is to join forces with Labor, as it did in round 3 of this prolonged paralysis. Problem is that previous merger yielded disappointing returns and Labor, currently sitting “pretty” at 6, so not actually on the precipice of electoral doom, ain’t eager for the match. “Been there, done that, even the t-shirt sucked” is the vibe coming from the sad vestiges of the party that built this country.
I know, the subtitle promises juicy corruption stuff – not to mention promising a Weekend Holyland Update – but life itself and a summer bug (which hatched for a week, just making me cranky and low energy, before erupting ferrealz with the sniffles and fever ‘n shit) have conspired to delay. Which is good cause that way we got the post-merger polls in time, and Horowitz’s resignation, and…. So lemme post this for the horserace followers, and then I’ll do a part 2 about the defendant’s trial and other stuff, including Joey’s Needless Holyland Adventure. Thank you for flying the Gangsta skies.
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*(marble-jawed, blue-eyed former IDF Chief, and perfect illustration of the old saying – tie a donkey to the “shin-gimel” (the guard post at the gate of a military base) and he’ll make Colonel eventually. So he stayed even longer and made alla way it to the top. Still unimpressive as a pile of warm shit.
** Meir Kahane was the original Judo-Nazi, running for Knesset in the 1980s on a platform of proposed legislation that is 1:1 the Nazi Nuremberg Laws, with just the identity of the master race changed. He was eventually banned from running for overt racism. Ben-Gvir is a long-time disciple of that scumfuck rat. How come he’s allowed to run, then? Cause people are crazy and times are strange.
*** Said donkey from footnote 1 is a bit deficient in the projecting of warmth department, so the role needs to be split.
Welcome back, one and all, to the Weekend Holyland Update. This is installation no. 2 of the GangstaYid Guide to round five of the Israelex, brought to you live and direct (if a bit late for the weekend) from southeastern Tel Aviv.
As foretold by this fine and educational family feature (not solely, I admit), former PM Bennett has indeed decided to win by not playing, and announced that he will not stand for election in the upcomin’, leaving his frenemy and “partner” Ayelet Shaked in charge of the foundering brand called “Yamina.”
So Bennett announced his resignation, making Lapid Prime Minister of the transition government. Bennett was all gracious about it, lauding Lapid as a good friend, a man of his word, and most of all – ready for the job. This, coupled with his decision to not run in the upcomin’, gave rise to speculation about a quiet agreement that should Lapid prevail and form the next government, he just might reserve a ministerial portfolio for his gracious buddy.
Behind the scenes things were less upright and public-minded, as it was revealed that Bennett is seeking a slight bending of the rules, which call for serving for 18 months as PM in order to get a former PM’s pension. Bennett served for just over one year. And it appears that his quiet expectation, or request, that Lapid intervene in the matter on his behalf, went unrequited. The whole thing is kinda classless, as Naftaltuli-boy is a hi-tech millionaire, wort a cool $10M. You expect that kinda thing from Netanyahu (who, as Israel was battered economically by COVID layoffs and furloughs, was busy seeking some arcane tax break) – not from the erstwhile leader of the “change government.”
The Knesset finally managed to disperse itself (i.e., officially call elections and set a date.) There was a fight between the opposition and coalition as to the date of the elex – Oct. 25th lost out to November 1st. There were also last minute attempts to pass three laws that enjoy broad multi-partisan support and overwhelming support among the public – but Likud torpedoed them all, declining to give the hated enemy an “achievement,” even after managing to topple the government and force early elections. One of these laws – requiring electronic ankle bracelets for those released on bail from arrest for domestic violence – finally passed just yesterday (Monday, July 4th. Happy 4th to those celebrating.) The other two – one that would launch Israel’s biggest infrastructure project ever and give the Tel Aviv metro area a metro, and another that would permit sharing criminal records with the U.S., which is a precondition for acceptance to the coveted visa-waiver program, and for which U.S. Ambassador Tom Nides made a highly unusual public plea – remained unpassed, to the glee of the Bibi-cult idiots and the chagrin of pretty much anyone living here.
Speaking of the cult – you know their mindless worship extends to the spawn too, right? Well, last week it was exposed that said spawn, Yair Netanyahu, took to a popular 2nd hand e-commerce site to sell an authentic FC Barcelona Jersey. Problem? Several: 1) Said jersey was a gift to papa, as Prime Minister. Law says you can’t keep those, much less sell them for cash. 2) The imperial family had already listed this jersey, among many other gifts they received and have yet to return, as “lost”. Oh, and dumbfuck (who is very popular among the Nazi right worldwide) sold the damn thing for much less than it costs even in the store, when having been gifted to his pops shoulda doubled its worth.
In “Everyone who simps for Bibi gets burned” news: Corrupt Likud attack-dog and general scumbag Dudi “When we return to power we’ll trample you” Amsalem floated a lil trial balloon, akin to sticking his wet finger out in the wind, when he said that “If we already have 61 (seats in Knesset, a majority out of 120) – the United Arab List will be welcome to join.” This is nothing ground-breaking. Bibi was willing to use Mansour Abbas and his fellow Islamists after the last election too, not just as padding but to get to 61, and promised him more than Bennett-Lapid did. But Mansour knew that Bibi’s promises are written on thin ice. Anyway, Bibi coulda just politely demurred, or even firmly so, having assessed that the reaction from the holy base was unfavorable. But being an asshole, he has to get a dig in, and rejected Amsalem’s idea with harsh words about the UAL being an “antisemitic, terror-supporting party that seeks to destroy Israel) and just had to include something about “not the first time that Amsalem is confused.” Dudi at first played like he has a backbone, going all “wtf dude doing me like that for?!” – but after a day he resumed the fetal position and mumbled his obeisance like a good lil cult drone. Since then Bibi has upped the ante (and the That’s how it goes in North Korea and similar political cultures.
Speaking of North Korea – when the “change government” was first formed, the Bibi cult members on social media took to using NK flags as symbols of protest of the terrible silencing they were experiencing, or some shit. Anyway, over the past 48 hours, all those avi’s have been replaced. Order came down from central, and they all obey in lockstep. Just pathetic.
This post has been so delayed that the never-ending news machine has overtaken it, with the Shireen Abu Akleh murder news, which deserves a separate post, which Goddess willing I might get to tomorrow. But lemme post this before it becomes really old news.
Polls (post Bennett’s withdrawal, previous in parentheses):
Likud 33 (35)
Yesh Atid 21 (21)
Judonazis: 10 (9)
Shas: 8 (7)
Kahol-Lavan 8 (8)
United Torah Jewry: 7 (7)
Joint Arab List: 6 (6)
Israel Beiteinu: 5 (5)
Yamina: 4 (4)
Meretz: 4 (4)
Tikva Hadasha: 4 (4)
United Arab List: 4 (4)
As the sharp-eyed among you will notice, the above adds up to 119 and not 120. Feel free to toss your side the remaining seat. If these are the final results, Bibi will be PM with 63 seats (Likud 34, nazis 10, Shas 8, UTJ 7, and Yamina 4). But of all four parties that poll at the minimum of 4 seats, Yamina is closest to not making the cut. And that’s before the full effect of Bennett quitting sets in, and before a nasty 4-month campaign reminds people how unlikeable Ms. Shaked really is. So there is hope! And as Ian Dury (I think) once said, the hope that springs eternal, springs right up your behind.
Thank you for flying GangstaYid, and please get a visa if you’re gonna visit Israel from the U.S. or vice versa. Coulda been exempt, but Likud said fuck that. Till next time.
- In: Israel | Israeli politics
- Comments Off on Weekend Holyland Update – How to Win By Not Playing
Welcome to installment number 1 of your ongoing GangstaYid Guide [TM] to Israelex number five, brough to you live with a modicum of jive from the tenements of south-east Tel Aviv.
A week after elections were announced, Israel’s political deadlock remains supposedly intact. Why supposedly? Because according to the latest polls, Netanyahu’s bloc has 57 seats (out of 120) – without outgoing PM Naftali Bennett’s Yamina party, which has 4.
We have to recall that Yamina was never in the “Never Bibi” camp. Throughout the 4 election campaigns over a year and a half, Yamina was considered part of Netanyahu’s bloc, and naturally so. Only when, after the fourth round of elections, Bibi had no coalition even with Yamina on his side, did Bennett shrug and say “Yeah, I figure even me with six (shaky-ass) seats behind me as PM is better than indefinite elections.” Now that Yamina’s projected 5 votes push the right-wing bloc over the top, Bennett won’t be able to justify not going with it, even if he were so inclined – which he really isn’t. or didn’t use to be.
At stake in these elections is nothing less than the continued existence of a semblance of democracy – if only for Jews – in the State of Israel. Should Netanyahu prevail, and manage to put together a stable coalition, the campaign to dismantle what’s left of Israel’s rule of law will return with a vengeance, as will all manner of fascist – or, ironically, Bolshevik/Zhdanovist – persecution of opponents. This is no longer just inborn inclination and the nature of the populist/fascist beast. This is about his personal survival outside a prison cell.
Then again, the only hope for the defendant NOT prevailing, is a continuation of an unnatural hybrid coalition, consisting of parties who agree on precious little save the need to keep Netanyahu out of power, paralyzed insofar as meaningful reforms of the country’s ills are concerned.
At the heart of this paralysis, of course, is the problem of the occupation, which relegates any and all civilian issues to secondary importance. The “Zionist Left” is Zionist first and Left second, and doesn’t dare truly rock the boat on core issues pertaining to the occupation. For proof, look no further than the vote on extending the West Bank regulations and the general state of emergency regulations (which have been in effect continuously since the state’s founding in 1948.) Any true left would naturally vote against both of these fascist, apartheid laws. And yes, yes, of course, Meretz and Labor only voted in favor due to coalitionary obligations. They were dying to vote against. Sure. We could tell.
Anyway, the political horse race goes on regardless of this fundamental inability to shit or get off the pot, and Bennett has a novel way at his disposal to impact the race – by not running. See, if Bennett was banking on his gamble to become Prime Minister with such a coalition of opposites resulting, after the anticipated furor (he just didn’t expect all the intensity thereof) – that after that his majestic leadership would shine through, taking him back to electoral significance – that ain’t happen. His party, Yamina, is clinging to dear life in the polls with five seats and under, with the threshold at four. I’m trying hard to figure out who, precisely, those five seats-worth of voters are, who still wanna vote for this shit-show called Yamina. Maybe those are Bennett’s reward. See, Bennett, looking at the map, having already run and finished out of Knesset once before a year and a half ago – is not terribly eager to run and bear the slings and arrows of outrageous and deranged foes, whose foaming at the mouth and unhinged incitement has already put his family in real jeopardy, all just to find himself with more or less the same fools. So his best play just might be to sit this one out, deprive Bibi of the easy “Bennett the traitor” target to run against, and more importantly – more than likely ensure that Yamina won’t cross the threshold, leaving Bibi’s projected coalitionary bloc at 60 or under – just like at the start of this whole mess.
Recent polls, if you like ‘em (current number of seats in parentheses):
Likud (Bibi Netanyahu) 34 (30)
Yesh Atid (Yair Lapid, centrist, anti Bibi): 21 (17)
Religious Zionism (Jewish Nazis): 9 (6)
Kahol-Lavan (“Blue and White”. Former IDF Chief of Staff Benny Gantz. Center-right): 8 (8)
Shas (Ultra-Orthodox Sephardic1, pro-Bibi): 7 (9)
Torah Judaism (Ultra-Orthodox Ashkenazi2, pro-Bibi): 7 (7)
Labor (Center-left, the sad remnants of the founders of the country): 7 (7)
Joint List (most Arab parties, running together, with the communists holding the internal majority): 6 (6)
Israel Beiteinu (Former bar bouncer and dirty as hell, lacky of Putin Avigdor Liberman, representing mostly older immigrants from the former USSR, outgoing Finance Minister but not at all as sure a bet in the Block-Bibi-bloc as some seem to think): 5 (7)
Yamina (Bennett’s party, Right-wing. More’n half religious, less than half not. Began falling apart at the seams immediately upon formation of the “change government,” and is solely responsible – forget what they tell you about the Arab lady from Meretz or the ones from the United Arab List – for the collapse thereof. Will go with Bibi if he has 61 with their votes): 4 (6)
Meretz (Leftish. Zionist over left, can be relied upon not to go with Bibi): 4 (6)
Tikva Hadasha (“New Hope” – led by Gideon Sa’ar, outgoing Minister of Justice who failed to deliver his promised “Defendant’s Law” [prohibiting anyone indicted for a felony from forming a government]. Former Likud bigwig. Left after a failed leadership bid. Fairly dependable to not go with Bibi): 4 (6)
United Arab List (“Raam” or UAL hereinafter – the Muslim Arab party, headed by Mansour Abbas, the first person to lead a real Arab party into a coalition): 4 (4)
That’s 57-57 between current coalition and opposition parties, with (current opposition but won’t sit with Bibi) the Joint List holding the balance with 6. But Yamina, despite being counted in the anti-Bibi column, will not – as I’ve already said – deny him a majority if he has one with their votes. So the truth is that Bibi currently holds a razor-slim 61-59 majority… but that’s before the shake-out if Bennett, as is seeming increasingly likely, sits this one out. Let’s see where the polls point then.
Until then, thank you for flying GangstaYid. Kindly comment below, and if you really liked it – kindly share! Thank ye, thank ye.
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1 – Mostly Brown to Black Jews from (mostly) brown to black countries
2 Paler Jews from mostly white countries
The Great Speech Drinking Game
Posted on: March 3, 2015
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Israeli Elections, Pt. 5
Welcome back to this fine educational family feature. I apologize for the long time since the last post, but there were people shoving money at me and the bills don’t pay themselves.
As can be expected from the first half of the last month of the campaign, there has been much going on, from Bibi’s personal housing troubles to a scathing report by the State Comptroller about the performance of Bibi, and the administration before him, in handling Israel’s oppressive housing price bubble. Housing prices have doubled over the last decade while wages, of course, have come nowhere near that level of growth, leaving people to spend ever more of their income just to keep a roof over their heads. Bibi’s initial reaction, via Twitter, was priceless: “While we talk about the cost of living, I do not for one moment forget life itself. The greatest challenge to our very lives is a nuclear Iran.” And surely, comrades, you don’t want Jones to get the bomb!
All this (and the hilarious 20 minute video in which Bibi’s wife shows a celebrity designer how shabby and not at all extravagant and out of touch the official residence supposedly is [she showed him mostly the work and staff spaces, not the plusher upstairs living quarters]) deserves a post of its own. But as tomorrow is the Bibull in the China Shop show, it is more urgent to say a few words about the speech, Iran and the dread Ayatollah Nuke.
The Great Speech Theory of History
As for the speech, there is a simple point which I feel is overlooked: The line pushed by those who support the speech is currently: Whatever you feel about how the speech was handled, the issue is too important to let that get in the way. But the reality is that the whole point of this speech is to convince Congress to go against White House policy on the issue, and so the how becomes crucial. Netanyahu is far from ignorant of American politics, even if his conceptions of it belong somewhere in the early 90s at the latest. He knows that Republicans alone cannot win it for him.
Sure, theoretically they have majorities in both chambers and can push through a bill rejecting the as-yet undeclared Iran deal (ignoring for the sake of argument that the Democrats in the Senate can stall anything they want to enough). President Obama has promised to veto such a bill. So you need two thirds in each chamber to overcome that. That means a lot of Democrats. By conniving with Speaker John Boehner to engineer the invitation to speak before Congress as a dis of the White House, timed to steal Obama’s positive domestic momentum, and later by dissing an invitation from Democratic lawmakers to explain himself to them, Netnayahu has made it absolutely impossible to find enough Democrats to agree to overturn a Democratic President’s veto on on issue that has been purposely turned into a partisan pissing contest.
There are two main ways to explain Netanyahu’s insistence in the face of all this:
1) He has a romantic, not to say magical, belief in the power of a speech (not just any speech, but one by his own Winston-Reincarnated self) to overcome the stark political considerations laid above. It’s not the information he has to offer – that can and is disseminated to lawmakers on an individual basis with no need for a public showdown with the administration. Rather, he expects that the impact of the spectacle will be such that Democratic lawmakers will be left with no choice but to ride the overwhelming popular sentiment created by The Speech.
2) He knows that the actual effort will fail. Bibi (as well as many others, of course) has been talking about the danger of a nuclear-armed Iran for over a decade now. Each year has been the crucial, fateful, make-or-break year on the issue, coming and going without making or breaking, only for the following year to be declared the one over and over again. Now, personally I believe that while it’s necessary to take steps against such a development, ultimately it’s useless to try to prevent a country like Iran from getting nuclear weapons if it really wants them. Iran is too populous, educated and rich a country for that. I know all about their economic problems but the regime has and always will have enough cash at its disposal. If dirt-poor, less advanced Pakistan can get a bomb, you’re not stopping the #2 petrol giant in the world from getting one. Not forever anyway.
The Cassandra Gambit
So, to return to the mighty orator, he knows that either a deal with Iran or Iran finally crossing the whatever technical threshold is now inevitable. He does not expect his speech to move enough Democrats to block the deal. He will ignore the fact that it was inevitable anyway, and position himself as the unheeded prophet of doom (glossing over the fact that he failed in six years at the helm in preventing said inevitability, despite selling himself in both elections as the only man for this specific job). Finally, He will ignore that, Iran’s breakthrough having been inevitable with or without the deal, the deal will mean the difference between the same danger with and without an inspection and early-warning regime. What’s important is that someday Iran will have the bomb, be it officially acknowledged or like Israel, on an everyone knows “obscurity” basis, and Bibi will be able to run around, his few remaining hairs blowing Cassandra-like in the breeze, and bray: TOLDJA!
And domestically? There’s a narrow plurality, within the margin of error, for those in favor of the speech here in Israel over those who oppose it (47%-42% I think). Problem is the issue itself ranks low on the “give-a-shit-meter” for most Israeli voters. So any expectation that this will deliver an extra seat or two that will seal a win seems farfetched to this humble observer.
That leads us, finally, to Netanyahu’s belated and panicking reaction to the fact that the America of 2015 is not the one he’s always prided himself on knowing so intimately, the one that is “very easy to move,” as he once bragged. Netanyahu apparently agrees with the more triumphalist demographic projections on the left, foreseeing a growing Democratic majority and a diminishing commitment to supporting Israel at all costs among young Americans – both the Jewish minority and the population in general. There have been reports that Bibi has “written off’ Obama. The way this speech has been handled, if we insist on ascribing it to more than a clusterfuck that got out of hand, implies that it’s not just Obama the PM has written off, but also the half or so of America that he represents. That’s a thought to drive many people to drink.
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I hope to write a separate campaign update, but while you devise a drinking game for for PM Oratoryahu’s great speech*, keep the above in mind. Thank you for hitching and please comment or donate before you leave.
* (Yeah, I clikbaited. Make up your own. Key words: Holocaust (+ any reference by date or euphemism), Jewish, Right to defend)
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