Archive for July 2022
Welcome back to the GangstaYid Guide to Israelex5, brought to you live and with fond hopes to survive (unworthy government, global climate collapse, my own foibles, the vagaries of fate…). Yes, you finally made it to the juicy stuff – the desperate cupidity of Israel’s temporarily distressed God-Emperor and his bubbly-lovin’ missus. The final big story in the past week, as promised, was explosive testimony in Benjamin Netanyahu’s personal corruption case – aka Case 1000, or “The Gifts Case”.
The gist: Netanyahu is accused of receiving regular gifts of high end luxury items (ranging from Cohiba 56 [NOT 54!] cigars and pink champagne, through jewelry and designer clothing and accessories in the 4-5 dollar-figure range, up to free use of a fully stocked villa, conveniently located right next to their own and purchased at their instruction. By whom? James Packer, Australian billionaire and one-time boyfriend of Mariah Carey, who bought the villa and some of the other stuff; and by Arnon Milchan, an Israeli billionaire, who was on the hook for most of the bubbly and Cubanos, and who actually introduced Packer to Bibi as a way to lighten his own financial burden associated with the cultivation of a native potentate. While Packer (an apparently unstable person who developed an obsession with Jews, Israel, and Netanyahu as a sort of second coming, and also provided Netanyahu Jr. free use of his NYC luxury suite) was mostly a sap in all this, Milchan got material rewards, like Netanyahu intervening for him with U.S. immigration authorities (his 10-year visa renewal was being held up on some suspicion of shenanigans or other) and business/tax affairs in Israel.
Netanyahu’s defense (which has no legs. 1000 is the most open and shut case of the three against him) is that the Milchans were dear personal friends of his and Sara’le, and you’re allowed to receive gifts from friends. So to break this down:
- No, not when you’re PM you’re not. Not in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. This is spelled out by law and was made abundantly clear to Netanyahu after the end of his 1st term as PM (1996-1999,) when he likewise got in trouble for receiving… “emoluments,” to put it in Yankee terms. He was let off back then under the erroneous assumption that his political career was over and it wouldn’t be relevant again. Oh, my sweet summer child…
- Yeah, “friends” don’t send their “friends” regular orders for refills like I do with my weed dealer. Friends are allowed to see each other without bringing an expensive gift. The explosive witness, one Hadas Klein (Personal assistant to Milchan and in part concurrently Packer’s rep in Israel, who personally attended to the regular delivery of the “gifts”,) testified that “there was no such thing as meeting them and not bringing something.”) I might add that I’m more polite with my telegrass dude than these schmucks were with their “friends.” Friends also reciprocate. Klein testified that the most the Netanyahus reciprocated was a cheap watch and something or other from the low-cost toy store chain “for the kids.” Now, the defense countered this with a photo of Amanda Milchan, standing with Sara like good friends, wearing some necklace. The defense claimed that this necklace was bought by the Netanyahus. Now a picture may be worth a thousand words, but in this context? A receipt would be worth a thousand pics. Just sayin’.
- This one’s hilarious. So as the demands for cee-gars, bubbly, and the occasional anniversary bling (yes, Netanyahu had another man buy his anniversary gifts for him…) got more regular, and piled up to the point where Klein was beginning to wonder if she was doing something improper, and Milchan (“a frugal man” as Klein was forced to concede on the stand) ordered Klein to tally up “what the Netanyahus are costing him”, the Nut-and-yahoos attempted to allay Klein’s concern by saying “we got a legal opinion that says that if it’s not an apartment, it’s allowed” (lie, but it gets better.) Remember I said “use of a fully stocked villa”? Netanyahu sees that he has this wide-eyed, star-struck man-child with billions to his name who worships him without question. So he has Packer buy the villa adjacent to Bibi’s own in Caesarea – and since Packer is not in Israel all that often, basically place it at the disposal of the Famiglia Bibi. The Bibs, the missus, and their boys treated the place as a staycation property, enjoying the run of a stocked luxury villa without having to live in it once they made a mess. They’d decamp back across the fence to their own crib, which was cleaned in the meantime on the state’s dime, and leave Packer’s place to be cleaned on Packer’s dime. So “if it’s not an apartment you’re allowed”. And if it’s a villa? Oh, he didn’t transfer it to your name so it’s ok?
Klein’s testimony, delivered calmly and without rancor (although she did get emotional and indignant once, when describing how Sara accused her of stealing something and tried to get her fired), had even some cultists expressing second thoughts. This, however, had no immediate effect in the polls, which, on aggregate, have Likud gaining a seat or two off the carcass of Yamina – but still not achieving a bloc-wide ruling majority. Then again, if they weren’t cultists they’d have woken up long ago. So even Klein’s comment, that she was afraid to tell Sara that she’s a Mizrachi Jew because then Sara “wouldn’t want to be her friend” (i.e., wouldn’t be willing to accept her as the liaison in charge of keeping the gifts coming) had little immediate impact. Maybe with three months of pounding, if the geniuses can get to pounding it.
Meretz, with military clown Yair Golan the only current candidate for leadership, is teetering on the very bring of extinction. Although it squeezes into Knesset in most polls, it does it so narrowly, that the two polls in which it doesn’t make are enough to pull it below the threshold on average. So the gevald chorus is now keening for former chairwoman Zehava Galon, who was unseated precisely for lack of the star power and charisma needed to lift the party out of perpetual fear for its electoral life. Since leaving Knesset she has rediscovered a clear lefty fire in her voice (and popularity as a witty tweeter) that was less evident in the compromise-filled life of an actual legislator, and the feeling is she could do a better job in rallying the party faithful than the dude in uniform. Chicks may dig the uniform, but less so in our camp.
Nearing the end, as Haaretz reporter @Ran_Shimoni points out, virtually never in Israeli political history has a pre-election merger of parties exceeded its initial post-merger polling, so the challenge facing the hybrid Blue Hope/New-and-White1 list is to maintain 14, and even that seems to be a challenge, as their standard-bearer Benny Gantz made no impression whatsoever during Biden’s visit, save being caught on camera trying to open a water bottle with his teeth.
Getting there, it is worth noting that the only difference between Blue and White and New Hope, in terms of the kind of electorate they appeal to and the policies they support, is that one is led by a veteran politician who knows the ins and outs of the civilian world, and the other by an unimpressive military man who until 2 years ago had zero experience on the civilian side, and whose most notable political achievement up to this week was to betray his voters, join Netanyahu after rd. 3 of the elex, and get stabbed in the back by the same Netanyahu under a year later. His second most notable achievement was to fight tooth and nail for preposterous pension benefits for retired IDF officers. That was his main issue in the “Change Government.”
There was good news for him this week though, as alluded above – the AG has ruled that despite it being election time, Defense Minister Benny Gantz can proceed with the process, already begun prior to elections being called, of appointing the IDF’s next Chief of Staff. Likud’s back-benchers were all up in arms on the topic, warning that if the AG rules as she eventually she did, they’ll fire her first thing when they get back in power. (Israel’s AG is a supposedly non-partisan actor, not subject to automatic and acceptable replacement upon new administration.) So she did so rule, and Gantz gets to influence the only aspect of Israeli society he actually cares about.
In sort of good news for him, the two schmucks who wouldn’t let him form a coalition in Rd. 3, Yoaz Hendel and Zvi Hauser – aka the Frick and Frack, or Itchy and Scratchy of Israeli politics – are once again shopping for an electoral home, and for lack of better options to take their sabotaging, overinflating egos on board, they’re joining up with Ayelet Shaked on the good ship Titanic… I mean Yamina.
Finally, in light of all the actual, convicted and indicted criminals running in the Likud primaries (it’s FAR from just Bibi. The fish may stink from the head but mofo been reeking for a while. Shit’s metastasized throughout), @ShragaTichover over on twitter broke a “scoop” when he “reported” that instead of a retired judge to oversee their primaries, as is customary, Likud are considering the appointment of a parole officer… Well played, my man, well played. And on that note, until the next episode – thank you for flying the Gangsta skies.
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1 Yeah, I did that on purpose. Good catch. There really is very little to tell these parties apart.
Bibi’s low-class grifting, Biden’s low-content visit, and how it all plays out in #Israelex5 – brought to you live, with an occasional deep dive, from the ironically named Neighborhood of Hope (it’s a slum. Great market though) in southeastern Tel Aviv.
U.S. President Joe Biden just completed a two-day stay in Israel (plus another in the Palestinian Authority), during which he mugged for the cameras, deftly played the complex political situation amongst his hosts, flashed the warm human charm with a couple elderly Holocaust victims, but he did not spend the same amount of time and attention – or any time – on any Palestinian victims of far more recent war crimes, violations of human rights, and the occasional ethnic cleansing.
At the airport ceremony, everything was deftly arranged so as not to provide anyone with cause for complaint during these fraught electoral times, and the esteemed guest played along to perfection. While he did share a longer moment 1-on-1 with the newly installed caretaker PM, including a jokey reminiscence (Lapid reminded Biden that some 8 years ago, when they last met, Biden told him “If I had your hair I’d be President by now,” to which Lapid replied “and if I had your height I’d be Prime Minister by now”1 – and look at them now. Aw.
So Lapid got that, but Bibi got his moment too. Despite being told that there would be no handshakes, and indeed Lapid, outgoing PM Bennett, and President2 Isaac Herzog got vigorous (dare I say spry?) fist-bumps (non-terrorist, due to the exemplary whiteness of all involved) – Bibi got a warm handshake and a smiling “You know I love you” from the Prez.
The Bibi cultists went into full augury & divination mode, explaining how this means that Biden knows who the grown-up and worthy statesman in the “room” (shit happened outdoors) is, or at the very least that he knows Bibi’s coming back in 3.5 months and is already mending fences.
Now I could be wrong, but that handshake gave me more of a Michael-to-Fredo-kiss vibe. That he said “You know I love you,” rather than “You broke my heart,” means nothing. The best revenge is celebrated with a suave demeanor, and Bibi ain’t no brother to Joseph Robinette. I can’t imagine a single alum of the Obama administration who harbors anything but contempt for Bibi, and the damage he’s done to the “unique relationship.” FWIW, veteran Haaretz political analyst Yossi Verter thinks much as I do, saying that handshake and those words ended with an implicit “but I so don’t want your ass back in power.” Anyway, so much for that.
From the airport, as per hallowed tradition, the visitor was schlepped to Yad Vashem, Israel’s national Holocaust (“and Bravery”) Museum, where every visiting dignitary is brought, so that before they even fix they mouth to talk to us about shit, they start off with the proper mindset – one of obeisance to our uniquely sacred suffering, some three-score and seventeen years ago, and counting.
At the Yad [raise your hand if you from around the way & from back in the day, so you got that ref. I kill me], Joey turned on the human touch, speaking at length and with great warmth with two Holocaust survivors out of bunch who were there to meet’n’greet him. He also signed the visitor book at length (the White House made it clear that cameras were NOT to be trained on Biden while writing his piece), and gave a lil speech where he waxed poetic about his tremendously warm feelings for us Hebes. “One need not be a Jew to be a Zionist” (No, but it tends to be creepier.) We also got to hear, again, how all this fuzzy warmth toward us was inspired by his father, who taught him about the Holocaust and told him to always be on the side of the Jews. Too bad pops didn’t make his lesson a tad more universal, say “always be on the side of justice” or “the side being done dirty.” Alas. As Reshef Shay (@rereshef) put it on twitter – aside from losing his virginity, Biden got the full Birthright experience.
The next day the President and the Prime Minister signed the “Jerusalem Statement,” in which the U.S. reaffirms its commitment to Israel’s safety as a cornerstone of its foreign policy, affirms Israel’s right to defend itself from attack (nothing about the right of various others to defend themselves from attack by Israel), and how Iran will never be allowed to acquire nukes. From there, and a tete-a-tete with Lapid (followed by a briefer one with Netanyahu, it was on to the President’s Residence for a reception, and some bonding with President Bougie about their Irish heritage (Bougie’s gramps was Chief Rabbi of Ireland, before coming here and becoming Chief Ashkenazi Rabbi of Mandatory Palestine, continuing in the same office in the young State of Israel) and boxing (Bougie’s pops, who was also President of Israel in the ‘80s, was Ireland’s junior bantamweight champion as a young lad.)
At this reception we got the stupid brouhaha of the day. There was a singing performance, by a young woman and rather famous singer named Yuval Dayan. Ms. Dayan is apparently religious, and while she does not eschew the mixing of the sexes to the point of declining a performance before a co-ed audience (many religious performers, male and female, do so), she does observe the halachic rule of “negiah”, which – to simplify – says an adult (i.e. adolescent and up) woman is not supposed to physically touch a man other than her husband or father or son. Biden didn’t know this, approached to shake her hand after the performance (as one does) – and she exercised her bodily autonomy and left the presidential hand hanging.
Now, lemme make some things clear here: Negiah is an odious stricture, a wild overreach of extending the biblical law: “None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the Lord.” The idea, obviously, is to prevent any contact that might devolve into illicit hanky-panky (including between siblings, according to Maimonides. Ew, I know) – but what this is really about is an adult version of “girls have cooties,” which “good” religious girls are expected to internalize.
That said – it’s her body. Her hand. Her choice. It doesn’t matter what I, you, anyone thinks. It doesn’t matter that most rabbis who insist on “negiah” also insist that a woman shouldn’t sing to men (or more importantly, that men shouldn’t hear a woman singing, since as the sages put it: “Voice in a woman is like nakedness.”) It doesn’t matter that some geniuses dug up a picture of Dayan hugging singer Shlomi Shabbat (not her father, husband, son, or even sibling) in a decidedly negiah-violating manner. That was 2 years ago, she got more religious since. Biden’s hand was all clammy and she was squeaked, she had a rash – what the fuck ever was her reason.
That of course didn’t stop too many people wasting too much energy condemning her, but it gets worse – she says she told the production team throughout the week preceding the incident that she don’t shake no men’s hands. President’s Residence department of ceremonies and protocol done fucked up here, it appears, and this is the only reason why anyone should care about the episode. I say “it appears” because while I take Ms. Dayan’s word for it, she did seem a bit too prepared and eager for the noise that followed. Anyway, folks were talmbout that, even made the press back in the States, I hear tell.
From there Biden continued to Teddy Stadium in Jerusalem, for the opening ceremony of the Maccabi Games – basically the Jewish Olympics, and a thing (like too many) that was a whole lot more relevant when I was a kid. Anyway, as my man’s motorcade is snaking its way up the mountain to Jerooz, there was a power outage at the stadium, and I thought I was seeing a hit attempt unfold on live TV. But no, just typical Israeli incompetence. They got the power back up in 15 or so, but it was a bad look. You ain’t got backup power for an event of that magnitude, attended by the mf’ing POTUS?
The next day Biden, a good Christian man, went to Bethlehem to visit the Church of the Nativity, and thence to Ramallah, to meet the figurehead of the Paltustanian Authority[TM]. He and Abbas couldn’t come to an agreement about the wording of a joint statement, so they made separate summary remarks. Biden repeated his theoretical allegiance to the two-state-solution, while again (as at the airport) acknowledging that there isn’t any chance right now of restarting actual negotiations to get there. He visited a Palestinian hospital in East Jerusalem (unattended by any Israeli, which annoyed Israel but at least that much he was able to insist on), and announced a cool third of a billion in various forms of aid (360M to be precise.) But he said nothing about the Palestinian core demands from Washington: Reopen the consulate in East Jerusalem, reopen the PLO’s offices in Washington, and remove the PLO from the terror organization list. Abbas, in his remarks, reiterated them.
From the PA Joe took off to Jedda, where he fist-bumped the man he was trying to ignore into oblivion, Muhammad bin Salman, Crown Prince of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. According to reports, Biden did pay lip service to human rights issues by starting the conversation with a question about the murder of Jamal Khashoggi. Y’all ‘member Jamal, right? He’s the Saudi national, forced into exile due to his critical coverage of MbS, who was murdered in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, and his body hacked up and stuffed in a suitcase.
MbS reputedly replied with “Dunno, what’s up with Shireen Abu Akleh?” before giving the matter lip-service, promising that “those involved” (excluding his order-giving ass, of course) will be “punished.” Abu Akleh, you may recall, is the Palestinian reporter who an official US examination concluded was “likely” killed by IDF fire (sorry, “fire coming from IDF positions”) – but despite not knowing for sure who killed her, and not having interviewed a single possible shooter, the American investigation also knew to tell us the shooting was “likely unintentional”. How does that compute? It doesn’t, and MbS, holding all the cards, wasn’t gonna pretend it does.
So yeah, Joey had little to say about human rights after that comeback. He also didn’t get any public commitment to up oil production (to counter the lost Russian supply and keep Europe heated next winter, so Europe stays solid against Russia) – although he “hinted” at private assurances (there’s an OPEC summit coming up next months and it’s possible MbS will give the WH what it wants without letting it appear like a snappy “yes suh, Massa!” when Daddy comes calling.) Meanwhile, the UAE backed out of the regional alliance Washington’s trying to build against Iran, saying it would rather “mend fences” with the Islamic Republic. Ouchie.
Back on the Israeli front – this visit by Biden, like his trip last week to Paris, were planned by and for the Bennett PM’s office, in the hopes of giving him a much-needed leadership boost. It was much needed, but happened so late, it was reaped by his successor and bro, Yair Lapid. This visit in particular was Lapid’s big chance to look “like a Prime Minister,” and although his success at this was partial – no gaffes or missteps, but also no “that was the moment he became PM” etc, – I think he handled it shrewdly. He knew that any attempt to produce such a “that’s the moment” effect was as likely to backfire as it was to succeed. So he chose the other route and used his big moment to show that he’s the sharing and respecting type. He insisted on giving Bennett his props – and never mind that it ended up increasing Bennett’s afterthought vibes; he took Gantz (Now leader of a list not that much smaller than Lapid’s party, and self-declared rival for the PM job) to Yad Vashem, and even made sure to give Bibi full props as Opposition Leader.
For all his TV prowess and vanity, Lapid knows he can’t compete with Bibi’s cult status as a genius master statesman, so making this moment all about himself would only lead to ridicule. Instead, he reminded all potential partners – those present and those watching at home – that under him as top dog, the other dogs still eat their fair share. He didn’t even have to spell it out – even Bibi’s staunchest allies know that his word ain’t worth shit and that no-one of skill and stature is allowed to grow under him. So Lapid’s score from this visit – despite the achievements on the Saudi front, which include the right to fly through the kingdom’s airspace and direct flights for pilgrims – is mixed. As my mainest man, former Consul General of Israel in NYC, and all-around sharp-eyed observer Alon Pinkas (@AlonPinkas on twitter. Follow him for sharp politics and sports banter) put it: MbS is the only winner from this visit.
So much for Joey’s Mideast Hike, which took up more wordage than I expected. So thanks for reading and check back shortly for part 3 of this week’s 3-part bonanza, which is all written up and is being formatted for your perusal. Thanks for flying the friendly Gangsta skies.
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1 Lapid, prior to entering politics, was known in the public’s imagination for two prominent traits: His perfectly coiffed and gelled hair (early in his political career many – your humble narrator included – enjoyed referring to him as “The Gel”. He smartly knocked that twee shit off upon entering politics, and has now entered solidly into silver fox territory.) The second trait is, well, dude’s seriously challenged in the verticality department, and I say this standing all of 5’7 (that’s 1.69 to you readers where the more sensible metric system rules.). There was/is often talk of him wearing lifts and standing on things behind podiums so his chin ain’t hanging off them. With these two facts in mind, the “If I had your…” exchange at least makes some sense, although Joey’s hair is fairly presidential, so….
2 Our president is a mostly ceremonial figure, whose only political relevance is to decide who gets the first crack at forming a coalition after elections. This was once rarely significant because it was obvious who had the best, and often the only chance to do so; but with the current political deadlock, it’s more important than it used to be. The President also holds the power of pardon, and many suspect that Herzog — a high powered corporate attorney when not in politics, who is the living embodiment of the big money-government-white collar crime nexus — will pardon Bibi even if he’s convicted in any of the three cases.
Welcome back to the Weekend Holyland Update, where we’re all about the upcomin’ Israeli e-lections number five, brought to you live and with plenty of drive from the southeastern melting pot of Tel Aviv. Today we have new revelations in the Famiglia Netanyahu’s bottomless, shameless greed, a joining of forces on the moderate right, mealymouthed whining on the left, and an empty suit in the middle, trying to grow into the position he has been methodically angling to achieve for a decade.
Starting with the most election-y news, remember how there used to be a bunch of parties bringing up the rear in the polls with the bare minimum of four seats? Well, as of this past weekend there is one fewer. “New Hope” headed by Justice Minister Gideon Sa’ar (6 seats in the outgoing Knesset, 4 in recent polls), and “Blue and White” headed by Defense Minister Benny Gantz (8 seats in the outgoing, about the same in the current polls) have announced that they will be merging and running as a bloc, and explicitly declared Benny Gantz a candidate for Prime Minister. This would justify a raised eyebrow or two, what with the new party having only 14 seats in the outgoing, 3 behind PM Lapid’s Yesh Atid and 16 behind Likud (with the gap even larger in current polls). But after a year under a PM with only 6 fractious seats behind him, it sounds less outlandish. Oh, and interestingly – the new bloc did NOT vow not to sit with Netanyahu, unlike each of the constituent parties’ commitments before the last round.
What was immediately clear to me is that is that this union puts whatever is left of Yamina – outgoing PM Naftali Bennett’s party (which will be led by Interior Minister Ayelet Shaked and not Bennett, since he decided to sit this one out) – in a pretty rough spot. Let’s break the map of the Israeli right-wing down:
On the extreme right you have Religious Zionism (i.e. the Judo-Nazis), led by settlers Bezalel Smotrich (who hoarded over 150 gallons of gasoline to resist the 2005 disengagement from Gaza, but wisely chickened out of using them) and Itamar Ben Gvir (a senior Kahanist** who headed the violent hounding of murdered PM Rabin, once ripping the hood ornament from his car and boasting on national TV that “just as we got to the hood ornament, we can get to Rabin”). Yamina, whether under Bennett (a religious-lite person) or Shaked (secular) is on the complete opposite end of the right-wing spectrum, representing moderates, both religious and secular, not dyed-in-the-wool Nazis. So unless a body was severely radicalized over a year, they ain’t gonna jump ship straight from Yamina to the Nazis, nor vice-versa unless they were suddenly cured of the Nazi disease.
So what remains on the right is of course the mothership of Likud, the two Ultra-Orthodox parties (whose electorates, like that of the Nazis, are mutually exclusive with Yamina), and finally the two that just declared a joint run – whose electorates ARE fungible with that of Yamina.
So Ms. Shaked has to offer right-wing voters, who are relatively moderate and fed-up with Bibi’s corruption and Likud’s gutter populism, something that a much surer bet isn’t. Now that the new bloc refrained from declaring allegiance to the principle of “Never Bibi” – even the ones who want “Soft right that will likely sit with Netanyahu if that’s the coalition to be made” have a better option. While Education Minister Yifat Shasha-Biton (of the larger Blue and White part of the merger) has declared that the unified list won’t sit with Netanyahu – she ain’t calling the shots, so that’s of limited import.
What is of some horse-race import is that the post-merger polls are in, and while the new merger gets a modest bump over its combined strength in prior polls, and so does Yesh Atid, it does not look good for Bibi – and it looks really bad for Ayelet Shaked and Yamina.
(Previous in parentheses) Likud 34 (34), Yesh Atid (Lapid) 23 (21) the new merged Blue-and-White-New-Hope 14 (12 combined), Judo-Nazis 10 (10), Sephardic Ultra-Orthodox 8 (8), Ashkenazi UO 7 (7), Joint List (most Arab parties, running together as a bloc) 6 (6), Israel Beiteinu (mostly older Russian-speakers and fools who like a corrupt “strongman”) 5 (5), Labor 5 (5), United Arab List (Moderate Islamists, were in the “change coalition”) 4 (4), Meretz 4 (4). Missing cause they ain’t make the cut in the new landscape: Shaked’s Yamina, polling at around 2% (out of the required 3.5% threshold.)
Blocs according to this poll and basically all post-merger polls: Bibi’s bloc: 59. Anyone-but-Bibi Bloc: 55. Holding the key for the latter: the Joint List with 6.
Now, there’s a supposed heavyweight free-agent left unsigned in the market. And you’ll never believe it, not in a million years – It’s a general! A Former IDF Chief of Staff! Ainchy’all shocked, now? Tell the truth.
The new savior, courted by both the new merged party and Lapid’s Yesh Atid, is the umpteenth iteration of the “level-headed and devoted to the public good,” steely-eyed but warm-hearted*** military man. This one’s name is Gadi Eisenkot, predecessor to the current occupation-thug-in-chief. According to the polls, he’ll add around two seats to whoever he joins. According to one poll, if he joins the new merger under his own predecessor in the army, Benny Gantz, he’ll add a whopping three seats, and – this is the important part – one of them at the direct expense of the Likud bloc.
In other electoral news, Health Minister Nitzan Horowitz has announced that he will not run to lead Meretz again (though he will likely run for a spot in the party’s list for Knesset.) This leaves MK Yair Golan, a former IDF General, as the only current contestant for the job, after former leader and Environmental Protection Minister Tamar Zandberg also said she won’t be running for the top spot this time. Golan is uniformly detested by much of the party’s base, not just for being former IDF, but for being a bumbling he-man ass who is totally out of step with the party’s sensibilities and positions on most issues.
Example? Why, he just provided one this week, and it’s a beaut. “I think being called a “lefty” (“smolan” from the Hebrew “smol” – left) is a slur. It’s like being called a n—-r.” (yes, dumbfuck said that. I know. I just don’t have enough melanin to properly give this man the side-eye that conveys “boy, if you don’t sit yo ass down and stfu…” and actually makes him do it.)
The only reason he was elected on the party’s ticket is another pathetic attempt to shore up security cred for a party that will NEVER have enough of that to people who fret about it. His only saving grace is that he’s willing to brawl with the right and punch them in the mouth – but in the name of what? Shame in being a lefty? Say it loud, boy – I’m left and I’m proud. Of course, these episodes only serve to whip up victimization frenzy on the right. “Didja hear what that white privileged lefty sombitch saaaaaiiiiiid????!!!!!!”
Way I read it, unless a REAL lefty shows up and sweeps the Meretz party faithful up in a whirlwind of conviction and enthusiasm, the only prayer Meretz has with General Golan as a standard-bearer is to join forces with Labor, as it did in round 3 of this prolonged paralysis. Problem is that previous merger yielded disappointing returns and Labor, currently sitting “pretty” at 6, so not actually on the precipice of electoral doom, ain’t eager for the match. “Been there, done that, even the t-shirt sucked” is the vibe coming from the sad vestiges of the party that built this country.
I know, the subtitle promises juicy corruption stuff – not to mention promising a Weekend Holyland Update – but life itself and a summer bug (which hatched for a week, just making me cranky and low energy, before erupting ferrealz with the sniffles and fever ‘n shit) have conspired to delay. Which is good cause that way we got the post-merger polls in time, and Horowitz’s resignation, and…. So lemme post this for the horserace followers, and then I’ll do a part 2 about the defendant’s trial and other stuff, including Joey’s Needless Holyland Adventure. Thank you for flying the Gangsta skies.
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*(marble-jawed, blue-eyed former IDF Chief, and perfect illustration of the old saying – tie a donkey to the “shin-gimel” (the guard post at the gate of a military base) and he’ll make Colonel eventually. So he stayed even longer and made alla way it to the top. Still unimpressive as a pile of warm shit.
** Meir Kahane was the original Judo-Nazi, running for Knesset in the 1980s on a platform of proposed legislation that is 1:1 the Nazi Nuremberg Laws, with just the identity of the master race changed. He was eventually banned from running for overt racism. Ben-Gvir is a long-time disciple of that scumfuck rat. How come he’s allowed to run, then? Cause people are crazy and times are strange.
*** Said donkey from footnote 1 is a bit deficient in the projecting of warmth department, so the role needs to be split.
Welcome back, one and all, to the Weekend Holyland Update. This is installation no. 2 of the GangstaYid Guide to round five of the Israelex, brought to you live and direct (if a bit late for the weekend) from southeastern Tel Aviv.
As foretold by this fine and educational family feature (not solely, I admit), former PM Bennett has indeed decided to win by not playing, and announced that he will not stand for election in the upcomin’, leaving his frenemy and “partner” Ayelet Shaked in charge of the foundering brand called “Yamina.”
So Bennett announced his resignation, making Lapid Prime Minister of the transition government. Bennett was all gracious about it, lauding Lapid as a good friend, a man of his word, and most of all – ready for the job. This, coupled with his decision to not run in the upcomin’, gave rise to speculation about a quiet agreement that should Lapid prevail and form the next government, he just might reserve a ministerial portfolio for his gracious buddy.
Behind the scenes things were less upright and public-minded, as it was revealed that Bennett is seeking a slight bending of the rules, which call for serving for 18 months as PM in order to get a former PM’s pension. Bennett served for just over one year. And it appears that his quiet expectation, or request, that Lapid intervene in the matter on his behalf, went unrequited. The whole thing is kinda classless, as Naftaltuli-boy is a hi-tech millionaire, wort a cool $10M. You expect that kinda thing from Netanyahu (who, as Israel was battered economically by COVID layoffs and furloughs, was busy seeking some arcane tax break) – not from the erstwhile leader of the “change government.”
The Knesset finally managed to disperse itself (i.e., officially call elections and set a date.) There was a fight between the opposition and coalition as to the date of the elex – Oct. 25th lost out to November 1st. There were also last minute attempts to pass three laws that enjoy broad multi-partisan support and overwhelming support among the public – but Likud torpedoed them all, declining to give the hated enemy an “achievement,” even after managing to topple the government and force early elections. One of these laws – requiring electronic ankle bracelets for those released on bail from arrest for domestic violence – finally passed just yesterday (Monday, July 4th. Happy 4th to those celebrating.) The other two – one that would launch Israel’s biggest infrastructure project ever and give the Tel Aviv metro area a metro, and another that would permit sharing criminal records with the U.S., which is a precondition for acceptance to the coveted visa-waiver program, and for which U.S. Ambassador Tom Nides made a highly unusual public plea – remained unpassed, to the glee of the Bibi-cult idiots and the chagrin of pretty much anyone living here.
Speaking of the cult – you know their mindless worship extends to the spawn too, right? Well, last week it was exposed that said spawn, Yair Netanyahu, took to a popular 2nd hand e-commerce site to sell an authentic FC Barcelona Jersey. Problem? Several: 1) Said jersey was a gift to papa, as Prime Minister. Law says you can’t keep those, much less sell them for cash. 2) The imperial family had already listed this jersey, among many other gifts they received and have yet to return, as “lost”. Oh, and dumbfuck (who is very popular among the Nazi right worldwide) sold the damn thing for much less than it costs even in the store, when having been gifted to his pops shoulda doubled its worth.
In “Everyone who simps for Bibi gets burned” news: Corrupt Likud attack-dog and general scumbag Dudi “When we return to power we’ll trample you” Amsalem floated a lil trial balloon, akin to sticking his wet finger out in the wind, when he said that “If we already have 61 (seats in Knesset, a majority out of 120) – the United Arab List will be welcome to join.” This is nothing ground-breaking. Bibi was willing to use Mansour Abbas and his fellow Islamists after the last election too, not just as padding but to get to 61, and promised him more than Bennett-Lapid did. But Mansour knew that Bibi’s promises are written on thin ice. Anyway, Bibi coulda just politely demurred, or even firmly so, having assessed that the reaction from the holy base was unfavorable. But being an asshole, he has to get a dig in, and rejected Amsalem’s idea with harsh words about the UAL being an “antisemitic, terror-supporting party that seeks to destroy Israel) and just had to include something about “not the first time that Amsalem is confused.” Dudi at first played like he has a backbone, going all “wtf dude doing me like that for?!” – but after a day he resumed the fetal position and mumbled his obeisance like a good lil cult drone. Since then Bibi has upped the ante (and the That’s how it goes in North Korea and similar political cultures.
Speaking of North Korea – when the “change government” was first formed, the Bibi cult members on social media took to using NK flags as symbols of protest of the terrible silencing they were experiencing, or some shit. Anyway, over the past 48 hours, all those avi’s have been replaced. Order came down from central, and they all obey in lockstep. Just pathetic.
This post has been so delayed that the never-ending news machine has overtaken it, with the Shireen Abu Akleh murder news, which deserves a separate post, which Goddess willing I might get to tomorrow. But lemme post this before it becomes really old news.
Polls (post Bennett’s withdrawal, previous in parentheses):
Likud 33 (35)
Yesh Atid 21 (21)
Judonazis: 10 (9)
Shas: 8 (7)
Kahol-Lavan 8 (8)
United Torah Jewry: 7 (7)
Joint Arab List: 6 (6)
Israel Beiteinu: 5 (5)
Yamina: 4 (4)
Meretz: 4 (4)
Tikva Hadasha: 4 (4)
United Arab List: 4 (4)
As the sharp-eyed among you will notice, the above adds up to 119 and not 120. Feel free to toss your side the remaining seat. If these are the final results, Bibi will be PM with 63 seats (Likud 34, nazis 10, Shas 8, UTJ 7, and Yamina 4). But of all four parties that poll at the minimum of 4 seats, Yamina is closest to not making the cut. And that’s before the full effect of Bennett quitting sets in, and before a nasty 4-month campaign reminds people how unlikeable Ms. Shaked really is. So there is hope! And as Ian Dury (I think) once said, the hope that springs eternal, springs right up your behind.
Thank you for flying GangstaYid, and please get a visa if you’re gonna visit Israel from the U.S. or vice versa. Coulda been exempt, but Likud said fuck that. Till next time.
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